Bullshit News in Taiwan- Sylvester The Expat Is Totally Bummed On Christmas

A dude by the name of  Sylvester The Expat was  totally bummed out all day yesterday. The troubling news that came to Sylvester The Expat was that he realized that yesterday was his tenth Christmas in Taiwan.


Eight years ago, Sylvester The Expat still gave a shit about his physical appearance and his mental sharpness So, he was attending a weekly language exchange with a girl from a nearby university. He also knew that he had spent at least one Christmas in Taiwan, and he was only planning on staying for one year.  He unfortunately got completely smashed on his second Christmas eve and forgot all about his language exchange meetup, causing his partner to stop wanting to meet with him since he no-called no-showed. 

When he stopped going to his weekly language exchange, his only  contact with the Taiwanese culture besides going to 7-11, and going to work, he lost all ambition to study Mandarin.He was given a business card with his address when he first came to Taiwan so he never had to speak to taxi drivers, He mastered the art of finding restaurants with pictures on the menus so he didn't have to talk while ordering his meal. He also knew how to order beer, and coffee. He used to tell his friends.

"Dude. What do I need Chinese for? I can order beer, coffee, and I have my address written down on a business card for me. 

Our reporters went to his local 7-11 to help console a totally bummed Sylvester the Expat once we got news of
his current mental status.

"When people ask me how long I have been here, I used to just tell them things are pretty chill here. I'm not going to waste my energy keeping track of numbers like that. That doesn't sound very chill to me. Now I know the actual answer, and that just bums me out."

Yesterday afternoon when the taxi driver asked him for his address, he felt a sudden urge to flip the card over to the back. This was a move that brought Sylvester The Expat a tremendous amount of sorrow. The note on the back said, "My address as of December 25th, 2011
"Dude, I was only supposed to stay here for one year. Man, I'm totally bummed now."

His mom has been trying to help out with her bummed out son's existential  crisis.

"I told him he could come back home, and he could stay wiith me as he looks for a job. But, truth is, he has been teaching ESL for 10 years, which doesn't amount to much more than an alcoholic's promise to pay a bar tab. So, I hope he was smart enough to realize I was only saying that because I'm his mom."

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