An American Expat Settles His 7-11 Alcohol Tab With A GoFundMe

Sluggin' too many Taiwan beers, dining on Doritos, and ditching bar tabs like they are his forgotten about New Year's Resolutions,  have put an American alcoholic & occasional ESL teacher, Johhny D., at odds with his devout  Christian boss, Ms. Praysalot.

Ms. Praysalot has managed Awesome Hank's English School in Kaoshiung county since Richard Nixon was president of America without firing a teacher.

She reportedly messaged him on LINE twenty-three times between  3 p.m. and 3:15 p.m. on Monday afternoon. The bombardment of text messages came because he was late for his first class. She suspected that this was going to happen when one of his neighbors messaged Ms. Praysalot on Sunday afternoon to tell her that she saw Johnny D. passed out at a local 7-11 with his face in a bag of Nacho Doritos at approximately three p.m.

Our reporters at Bullshit News in Taiwan rushed to Awesome Hank's English school on Monday afternoon on a hot tip that Johnny D. was finally going to get fired from Awesome Hank's English School. One of Johnny D's  American coworkers told our field investigator at the scene that the guy hasn't worn a matching pair of socks for six months, and he normally smells like a cross between Gao Liang and stale Old Spice.

The unnamed coworker added that Mr. Johnny D also has been randomly shouting  at students lately, "Your English is not awesome!" and he also has been recently mumbling to the  cleaning people, " Death to Hank!"

Things had already been really bad for Johnny D. One of his students refused a
 sticker from him stating that he doesn't want to take stickers from a smelly freak like him. The student that turned down the reward was six years old.

With Mr. Johnny D's job dangerously close to reaching its funeral stage as he didn't seem to be responding to the LINE messages from Ms. Praysalot, Ms. Praysalot helplessly took to FB asking for thoughts and prayers to help get  Mr. Johnny D to work; without much success.

 
  While our reporters at  Bullshit News in Taiwan were staging to be the first to break the story, the Kaoshiung County afternoon sun finally pried enough of its way into Mr. Johnny D's one-bedroom home to wake him after his first class had already started. In a daze and completely forgetting about his job,  Mr. Johhny D  began his usual afternoon wake up post-blackout protocol.

He first tried to figure out two things, how much money he spent last night and whether or not he lost anything important. Today, his pockets felt full. These giant mounds of hope even elicited a 3:15 p.m. smile for Mr. Johnny D.

 Could he possibly have his cell phone, keys, wallet, and maybe even some spare change leftover from Sunday Fun Day at 7-11 with the town alcoholics that don't speak English? Little did he know, he was probably shit-canned by this point.

   Strangely enough, there were two rocks in his pockets. As he pulled the first rock out, a note fell to the floor. It read "No Rocks For Pay, Need Money. You owe us 785NT for Taiwan beer."

He continued to attempt to draw some kind of recollection to what could have happened yesterday. The only memories that flashed to his head were the lady at 7-11 shouting at him for passing out on the chair again.

  Mr. Johnny D did not want to lose his standing as a customer that would be allowed back into his local neighborhood 7-11. It was the last remaining prestige that Mr. JohnnyD had in his debauchery-filled life.

 So, he rushed as best as he could to 7-11 to see if he could work out a deal on his tab.  He didn't have $785 NT, but he thought he might be able to schmooze the 7-11 boss over with some English lessons.

  With scooters zipping by him close enough that he could reach out and uppercut a driver, Mr. JohnnyD finally strolled into his neighborhood convenience store.

 His Iphone 3S buzzed his pockets strong enough to bring him out of his staggering stupor for just a moment.

 He  batted an eye as he read the first message, "YOU'RE FIRED," and went to himself, "That's cool." Ms. Praysalot would have been steaming if she saw how coolly he handled getting fired. 

Mr. JohnnyD May Not Have a Job, But He Has Money For Beer Again

Then, he saw an e-mail with a subject line of GOFUNDME GOAL REACHED. Mr.Johhny D scratched the remaining hair left on his head.

What could this possibly be? "Oh, I know."

He had gone on Gofundme on a dare from his alcoholic farmer friend who he was drinking with yesterday at 7-11 to post a campaign, "Need Money To Drink Tomorrow. "

He was so happy to realize that he was sober enough to ask for $1570, which was going to be enough to pay his tab from yesterday, and enough to get him just as drunk today. Even better,  the money had already been deposited into his account.

So, he now knew that he was going to be able to drink again today. He walked into the 7-11 and chest-bumped the 16-year-old worker, " Here's your $785 NT, I owe you from yesterday. Next beer is on me, everyone.'' The other people in the store didn't even respond to Mr. JohnnyD, but at least he had a fresh beer in his hand.


Photo Attributions-
<a href="https://www.vecteezy.com/"> Vectors by Vecteezy</a>

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