Bullshit News in Taiwan- Five Ways Betel Nut Can Help Taiwan Become A Bilingual Country By 2030

Dear Mr. Bullshit News in Taiwan Editor

I adore living in Taiwan for so many reasons. What other countries can you leave

your cell phone on a chair inside a 7-11 and return one hour later to see it still in the
same spot you left it, without any risk of theft or damage? The list of conveniences
unique to our beloved Isla Formosa could fill the pages of an entire book.

The National Development Council drafted an ambitious proposal to
make Taiwan a bilingual nation by the year 2030. As much as I like the idea of our
beloved little island becoming more of a showcase for the eyes of our
foreign friends, I must tell you about a weakness that Taiwanese

people have. We don't intuitively learn to speak English very easily.

The Scariest Trip to The Night Market In My Life

I remember the first time I laid eyes on a foreigner. My family was meandering its way through the Taoyuan Night Market. The air smelled like a cross between french fries, and stinky tofu. Suddenly, my mother pushed me into this strange-looking man with a big nose, “Practice the English. I spent a lot of money on you.”

I froze more solid than the Frosty the Snowman creature I had only ever seen before on television. I mumbled in Mandarin, "Foreigner!" 

Then, I dashed out of there while dropping my carton of stinky tofu on the ground. A street dog named Xiao Hei snatched the contents of the box before I could grab my snack.

I shared this story with some of my best friends at school that following Monday morning. They all experienced this similar sensation of locking up when they saw a foreigner for the first time. Only one brave classmate reported that he worked up enough courage to shout, "Hello, How Are You?"  However, he also dashed from the scene.

A Time To Start A New Family Tradition

When I had my first-born son, Roger, I decided that when the day came for me to push him into a foreigner at the night market, that I did not want him to bring the same shame and embarrassment to our family of not being able to speak English that I did, at his age. If it killed me, he was going to learn to have an English conversation with a foreigner.

Luckily, an idea came to me one night when I was staggering home from a night of Karaoke with one of my long-time drinking companions, Mr. Wu. He playfully pushed me off the sidewalk as we were stumbling down the road, and my boots landed in a juicy red wad of betel nut spit. This immediately sparked us both to say, “Fuck, Son of a Bitch.”

These two English words coming from Mr. Wu's mouth surprised me greatly. Although I spoke English quite proficiently,  I had never in my life heard Mr. Wu saying a word of English besides, “Good.”

 I instantly thought that betel nut could be the bridge to help my son learn English. Then, the successes for my son, Roger, came in rapid succession after what I now call the birth of my love affair with Betel Nut.
#1 More Energy

To my friends that have never witnessed early morning dropoff at an elementary school in Taiwan, let me explain to you where the need for more energy comes in. Starting in first grade, the students carry with them a cluster of textbooks in a suitcase big enough to be holding enough toys, computer games, teddy bears, and clean underwear, for a month-long visit to Grandma's house. You may find a mountain of textbooks inside the contents of their suitcase instead.

This struggle to power his school luggage into the classroom made Roger late for his first period English lesson on countless occasions.  Ever since my kid started chewing Betel Nut, he has so much energy that he looks like he did a line of cocaine and a shot of espresso for breakfast.

He wheels his suitcase in with his pinky finger, which also means that he is now no longer tardy for first period English class. 

I'm thinking that maybe next year he could pick up smoking cigarettes since my local Betel Nut vendor offers a special when you buy smokes and Betel Nut together. This will scare away any classmates walking in front of him, thus further solidifying his chance to be the first one to greet his English teacher and soak up those extra few minutes of valuable conversation time.

#2 Concentration

A note I put on Roger's suitcase full of textbooks

The lack of concentration among our youth today concerns me greatly.
When I was a kid, I went to piano lessons, English lessons, art lessons,
and karate lessons,  and after all that, I still had to spend an hour each night
doing farm chores when I returned home at 10:00.

Roger used to complain every day when he was in preschool about not
being able to focus on his 8:30 p.m. English lesson. I blame a generation of
weak-minded souls that are too attached to smartphones, and computer
games. But, now that my boy is drugged up on Betel Nut 24-7, he can really
zone in on what his teacher is saying during his 9 p.m. one-on-one English
tutoring session.

# 3 Creativity

One of the most vital skills when mastering another language is being creative. The textbook will never teach you what it is actually like to apply English in real-life settings. If you put a pinch of Betel Nut in your child's mouth every three hours, he's sure to be left in some precarious situations where he needs to spit out the juices without other people seeing him.

He told me last night over dinner that he not only found an empty coffee cup while eating lunch at school when he had to spit, but he also juked out the teacher by telling her another teacher was looking for her outside the classroom.

Then, he heaved his juice-filled coffee cup in the trash can without the
teacher ever even knowing it was there.

I notice that this improved creativity is improving his English. It almost brought a tear to my eye when he ran out of Betel Nut last Friday night at the Night Market and he waved down a foreigner, "Excuse me. Do you have some extra Betel Nut? Mine is finished." 

#4 Creation of A More International Atmosphere- 

If more parents of our youth would encourage their kids to start chewing Betel

Nut, our streets would be lit up with stains of juicy red Betel Nut everywhere. 

We Taiwanese don’t quite understand this Christmas holiday yet. It is our understanding the Westerners take time off from work this time of year, which is a concept almost as difficult for us, as speaking English. 

However, we do know that we see a lot of red and green colors that time of year. So, I’m thinking that our beloved foreign friends can know when they come to Taiwan in December that the streets will be covered in red Betel Nut stains.

So, they can just buy some green spray paint and go to town on our streets with their own homemade Christmas decorations. 

I can just hear the conversations of Merry Christmas ringing in my ears as I write this letter. What a wonderful environment we will have created for our children to go and practice their English with our foreign friends.

#5 Improved Student-Teacher Ratios

If more parents would get their boys chewing the nut, our student to teacher ratios would be excellent.

It is no secret that with twenty -three million people scooting around on an island nation the size of Maryland that the overpopulation poses a threat to the long-term sustainability of Taiwan. I will have you know that my little Roger's teeth are already so messed up that even his Kindergarten girlfriend wouldn't get on the see-saw with him. She didn't want to risk jarring some loose beetle nut out of his mouth and soaking her shirt when the seesaw is coming down.

So, if more people start chewing betel nut at a younger age like my beloved Roger, this means that the teacher to student ratio will drop dramatically since everyone will be too ugly to make kids with each other.  Clearly, this is a strategy with a strong sense of future sustainability.

Conclusion

Roger's most recent progress report

  







    
I have put my son, Roger, through an extensive beetle nut chewing program since the second day I dropped him off at first grade. I can tell you with the most sincere honesty that this method has worked. He spent last summer in Australia picking oranges and he has already passed the GEPT. He celebrated his eighth birthday yesterday last night knowing that he will never have to go to a buxiban again in his life.

Sincerely Yours,

Roger's Daddy, Farmer Wu