In Taiwan, Everything is Easy

Expat Chuck launched his cat halfway across his apartment with one swift kick to the cat's backside.  In mid-air, Cat's tongue snagged the broken chopstick off the table.  Cat hissed like it was possessed by the devil as Cat chased Expat Chuck out of his house. Expat Chuck mumbled as he braced himself against the hallway in his apartment corridors. "Dude. Chopsticks are like Satan to me."  Mr. Wu heard the raucous and came out to greet, Expat Chuck. "Chuck-uh. We hear the girl left last night when you couldn't use chopsticks." "Oh Bullshit. I could use chopsticks to eat your wife's pussy if I wanted to."  "Just take the fork, Chuck-uh." Expat Chuck kicked the fork out of Mr. Wu's fragile hands as Chuck darted towards the elevator. Chuck turned around as he was getting in the elevator. "Try to give me a fork again, and I will take it to stab your Golden Retriever's baby stroller to death with hole...

Dear Mr. Bullshit News in Taiwan Editor I adore living in Taiwan for so many reasons. What other countries can you leave your cell phone on a chair inside a 7-11 and return one hour later to see it still in the same spot you left it, without any risk of theft or damage? The list of conveniences unique to our beloved Isla Formosa could fill the pages of an entire book. The National Development Council drafted an ambitious proposal to make Taiwan a bilingual nation by the year 2030 . As much as I like the idea of our beloved little island becoming more of a showcase for the eyes of our foreign friends, I must tell you about a weakness that Taiwanese people have. We don't intuitively learn to speak English very easily. The Scariest Trip to The Night Market In My Life I remember the first time I laid eyes on a foreigner. My family was meandering its way through the Taoyuan Night Market. The air smelled like a cross between fr...

Daffy the Dog searched Shuishe Mountain yesterday morning from bottom to top, and back down again  in hopes of finding the elusive answer, "Who is a good girl?" " Man, unbelievable. I  sat, I shook hands. I even laid down for a complete stranger. But,  that dude that feds me still wouldn't tell me who is a good girl." Our reporters at Bullshit News in Taiwan held an interview with a Taichung man's puppy yesterday afternoon after news broke that Daffy The Dog was feeling a bit perplexed . Apparently, the confusion came about early in the morning yesterday. He hit her with a bunch of commands to listen to, which she responded perfectly to each time. In return for her loyal behavior, the owner gave her a pat on the head and a heartfelt, "Who's a good girl?"  Daffy The Dog expressed a lot of frustration over this rather confusing situation at press time. Last word was she was planning on chewing up her owner's sneakers when he g...

"We left the hot pot restaurant before our after-dinner tea even came,'' said one woman at the very famous WongliuSu's Hot Pot Restaurant on Zhongshan Road in some shitty-ass town in Taiwan "I was sitting at the dinner table, marveling over the fact that these hot pot restaurants actually get away with charging people to come in and cook their dinner themselves, wondering if my wife and I could team up on a business where people come over to our house, and pay to wash our dishes after we cook dinner at night, when I could suddenly hear a woman talking on the phone from outside; even though all the doors in the restaurant were shut." "We left the hot pot restaurant before our after-dinner tea even came,' said one woman at the very famous WongliuSu's Hot Pot Restaurant on Zhongshan Road in some shitty-ass town Our staff bilingual staff reporter, Pomelo ChuShanBumMuff, gathered the above quotes in her interviews after she got word that t...

"Some people like booze, drugs, and sex, when they are feeling down. Getting choked out is way better. For bonus points, the dude that chokes you out usually apologizes, instead of having to spend half your day apologizing for all the stupid shit you did the night before like when I used to blackout from drinking." After talking to our reporters, a depressed Jiu-jitsu Bob set up a Choke-Me-Stand outside of the Taipei Main Station yesterday to help turn his shitty holiday season around. If having to come into work early on Christmas day wasn't shitty enough for him, his Taiwanese girlfriend, Marge, dumped him on Christmas Eve. Going to his regular gym to ask some of his bros for a Christmas choking was not plausible since his now ex-girlfriend, Marge, a fellow jiu-jitsu practitioner could be at the gym working out. The relationship was going fine until the day before Christmas eve. The young couple was having a lovely night at home when Bob initiated a bit of holi...

The 9:00 bell in the loony bin meant it was time for George to get out his box of red crayons, and hit his adult coloring pages. He knew of at least fifty different angles to contort his crayons to get a slightly different tint of red. Those pressing, twisting, and the observation of the different tints of red meshing with each other allowed George time to make sense of what was going on in his erratic brain. For ten years, George didn't realize that he was actually a true creative genius. He had been making these pictures out of his adult coloring books for ten years without ever missing a day while thinking the whole time that the pictures were ugly. Nobody could possibly make any sense out of the color patterns that he chose on all of his sheets of paper. But, what very few people realized was this actually gave George a chance to sit down and really nail down his feelings , he never used prompts, he never used journals, or other people's pictures. iT was the one time ...

A dude by the name of  Sylvester The Expat was  totally bummed out all day yesterday. The troubling news that came to Sylvester The Expat was that he realized that yesterday was his tenth Christmas in Taiwan. Eight years ago, Sylvester The Expat still gave a shit about his physical appearance and his mental sharpness So, he was attending a weekly language exchange with a girl from a nearby university. He also knew that he had spent at least one Christmas in Taiwan, and he was only planning on staying for one year.  He unfortunately got completely smashed on his second Christmas eve and forgot all about his language exchange meetup, causing his partner to stop wanting to meet with him since he no-called no-showed.  When he stopped going to his weekly language exchange, his only  contact with the Taiwanese culture besides going to 7-11, and going to work, he lost all ambition to study Mandarin.He was given a business card with his address when he first ca...

An American dude named ABC will no longer be eating at his go-to lunch time restaurant. His favorite lunch box placed a lifetime ban on him  One of the customers on scene told Bullshit News in Taiwan reporters that his eyes screamed like those of a man stuck working on a Christmas day. .  This man, ABC, his parents named him Mark. However, he grew tired of the locals pronunciation of his name, Mark-Uh. The neighbor of Tom’s Cram-A-Box heard commotion when he was out for his mid afternoon walk.  He confronted ABC in a very Taiwanese manner.  “ I’m very sorry Sir. My English very poor lah. But, if it is convenient for you, can you take the chopsticks away from that nice young lady’s purse.’’ ABC had threatened to punch her purse with his chopsticks until her unused tampons went flying all over the floor.  Mrs, Tom, the wife of the owner, had insulted ABC when he grabbed chopsticks to eat his lunch, and she told him, “No, those are chopsticks....

Global Jeff- A World Renowned Crybaby The two-time defending Champion of The World's Most Annoying Co-Worker Award, Global Jeff, cried in front of six year old kids yesterday. Our reporters  at Bullshit News in Taiwan were fortunate enough to witness the entire fiasco. ''Well, bawling is better than what he did last week. For the school picture, when everyone was supposed to make a funny face, he put up two middle fingers. The guy is so out of it that he didn’t even know he did anything wrong. I suppose he has been abroad for too long." Another one of his co-workers, a Taiwanese woman with a surname of Wu, told us, "He was crying? Well. Good.  Because, just the thought of him talking to me makes me want to cry. He’s always on some rant about globalization and engineering. First of all, the kids we teach can barely engineer the necessary skills to take a crap.Also, I am one year away from retirement. Does he really think I care ab...