Read The Fine Print If You Fly Vietnam Airlines

Read the fine print.

Ask a man to read the directions on a DIY project

NEVER!!!

I booked a trip to Vietnam.

 I didn't read the fine print. I melted down.

I nearly got arrested.

First, lets rewind 20 years.

 You'll see why.

Introducing Larue

Larue (my dad) likes Moosehead Lager and shell peanuts.

Larue (my dad) calls shell peanuts, the kind you have to open.

Larue loves the two beer buzz. Larue loves simple.

Larue still loses his temper. When I turned 30, I tracked my personality to his

 I hated it. Now, I roll with it.

Larue Can't Cook
Larue (my dad) made tea for my mom every morning for 20 years.

Larue washed the dishes every night for 20 years.

Larue fetched steak sandwiches from J's Steaks and Subs every Friday.

Larue cooked grilled cheese sandwiches if the kids got sick.

Larue never deepened his arsenal of cooking beyond grilled cheese sandwiches, and pick-up from J's Steaks and Subs.

Larue Goes Solo

One day, Larue found himself divorced, raising 3 kids, and alone.

Larue was also starting a new career in Insurance sales. Insurance salesmen generate income by commission.

The company only payed him when he sold shit.

Larue took time to develop his sales income. No sales made life hard for Larue.

Bill collectors called. The mortgage officer even visited our house.

Larue still drank his one Moosehead Lager per day. He still played catch with me. He still came to my baseball games.  He still played Super Larue. He still ate his shell peanuts, the ones you have to open. He still stopped what he was doing to play volleyball if we needed a 4th man.

In 1990, he could have gave up when my mom left. He could have let my mom take custody. That was what men did in 1990.  He never even thought about it. He never gave up.

20  years later, I wrote him a letter.

I told him how much I admire him because he never gave up.

I told him the reason my brother is like a freaking saint (as Larue says) is because of him.

I told him the reason my sister is raising a healthy child and was a phenomenal athlete is because of him.

I told him the reason I have a curiosity to see the world is because of him.

Larue keeps the letter in the front pocket of his black leather jacket.

Chef Larue Walks Into The Kitchen
I admire Larue. But, he can't cook.

"GOD DAMN IT," or " SON OF A Bitch..," were our top 2 calls to the dinner table. These 2 calls meant he just burnt the fish sticks.

At 4:30 p.m., in 1992, my brother was normally home from his summer job black-topping driveways.

At 4:30 p.m., my brother Ryan (the freaking saint) normally challenged Jason Calandra and I to a game of 2 on 2 volleyball.

The game always paused at 445 We paused when we heard Larue cursing about the fish sticks he just burnt.

On this Wednesday afternoon in 1992, the ," GOD DAMNIt!!!!" roared through the second floor windows of our blue bi-level house. It roared louder than I ever remember.

We paused the 2 on 2 volleyball game. Jason Calandra and I were losing 14-2.

My oldest sister, Kori, didn't play volleyball. She sun-tanned on her raft at the pool.

We started laughing at Larue.  Poor Larue. He burnt the fish sticks again.

Kori (my sister), Ryan (my brother -whose practically a freaking saint), and me (family nickname Buck) shuffled into the 2 story bi-level house.

Saint Ryan slapped the back of my head. With his own shit-eating grin, "STOP LAUGHING!"

20 year old Kori (my oldest sister) laughed up all 13 stairs going to the kitchen. Kori went full Honey Badger mode. Kori didn't give a shit.

Larue rocked his wife beater, freshly-shaved mustache, and dress pants. He planned to meet with a client after dinner. He planned to put his dress shirt on after dinner. Larue was completely color blind. My sister had to help him match.

The Dent's sat down to burnt fish sticks and macaroni and cheese. Larue tried to make casual chit chat.

Kori poked at the sleeping lion,Larue. Kori said, " Geez Dad, you burnt the fish sticks again."

Larue grinded his teeth hard enough to cut his gums.

Larue's right hand  powered up for battle.

Larue rested his open fist above his right shoulder. Larue went for more power from his right hand

Larue's right hand cocked back even higher, to the top of his right ear.

Suddenly,Larue's right hand let go of the fork he was preparing to throw at Kori.

The fork flew out of his hand.

The fork took one hop off the glass dining room table.

Larue hated that table. My mom made him buy it. Now, she was gone and he had to pay for a table he hates.

Kori propped her right hand 6 inches in front of her forehead. Kori's left hand went 14 inches behind her right hand to protect her face. Kori ducked down as the fork took its first hop.

The fork whizzed over the top of Kori's blonde pony tail.

Kori kept her head down. In unison, the rest of the Dent's eyes locked onto the remaining flight of the fork.

The fork ascended towards the south facing kitchen wall.

The fork landed 6 inches away from our 1992 Camden Yards All Star game framed  ticket stub. We waited for the fork to fall to the ground.

Holy Shit!! The fork never fell. The fork was stuck in the wall.

The suspense lifted. Roars of laughter ensued.

Larue grinded his teeth. He stopped breathing as his cheeks reddened, "Gawdddddddddd" "Damnit!!"

The 3 kids laughed again.

Larue never ran from anything. Today, Larue ran into his bedroom.

Larue wanted to kill us.

The fish sticks didn't set Larue off.

The daily grind of being a single father overwhelmed Larue. The grind boiled up to a fork in the wall.

The holes from the fork are still there today.

4:30 a.m. 20 Years Later

I waited 25 minutes. People pushed their luggage on carts. I had one backpack..

Inside my backpack, I had my cell phone, money, and my passport. My cell phone gave me access to AirB&B.   I had no worries.

I handed the young lady my itinerary and passport. She looked nervous.

"Sir, did you read the fine print on your contract?"

Oh Fuck.

"Sir, in the fine print, it clearly states that you need to purchase a Vietnam visa ahead of time or you will be refused access before boarding."

Holy Shit, she just recited line from the contract before I even answered her. I knew I was in trouble.

Larue never discussed how he felt when he threw a fork at my sister, and it got stuck in the wall. I still know we felt about the same.

I felt the wrinkles on my face sadden into the floor.  Larue probably felt his mustache curl. My heart pounded. Larue's heart pounded, in 1992.

Ok , calm Josh ,calm.

Me: " No, I don't have the visa. What can we do to change this?"

Counter Girl: "Well sir since you didn't read the fine print, there is absolutely nothing I can do for you."

Me: " Wait wait what wait what. You're going to take my fucking money, and tell me to just hit the road since I didn't read the fine print.

I instantly went , full Larue with a fork stuck in the wall ,angry. I had nowhere to run.

She so clearly wanted to prove I didn't read the fine print.

I wanted to punch the desk , and yell Ge Maaa (個嗎). It's the polite way of saying what the fuck in Chinese.

I wanted to keep punching the Viet Nam airlines desk.. I wanted my punches to crumble the Vietnam Airlines desk into one million and 3 pieces. I saw all million and 3 pieces hitting the floor.I wanted to run through the imaginary mess to make it worse.  I wanted counter girl to have to clean the all million and 3 pieces. I wanted to make a million and 4 piece mess when she finished.

 I wanted to lick her face and watch her drown in my saliva. Cutting her body into pieces and eating her didn't seem like a painful enough punishment.

OK, I joke about eating her. But, I wanted to demolish that place.

We continued our argument.

 She continued to dag at me over and over with, " There's nothing I can do, you didn't read the fine print."

She motioned the next customer.

I yelled  worse than Larue. I yelled louder. I yelled" You no good rotten mother fuckers!!"

The people at the same Vietnam Airlines desk I wanted to destroy threatened to call security.

I stumbled off into the 34 degree cloudless Taipei morning. I planned on walking far today anyway. Instead of walking to the Vietnam War Remnants Museum, I walked from the Taoyuan airport to the Taoyuan train station

For 13km,  I walked while picturing myself strangling counter girl. From km 10 to 13, I walked with one eye open. I exhausted myself. I walked into 7-11. I passed out before I opened my milk tea. I also lost my cell phone in the screaming mess.


I woke up at 7-11, in Taoyuan, not on a plane to Viet Nam.

 I remembered the Louis CK (American comedian) bit.

In this bit, he complains when people get upset about their travel plans getting interrupted.

I realized how spoiled I am to be whining because I didn't get to go on my precious vacation.

I have friends like Sean McCormack, the Sanctuary founder, who hasn't taken a day off in 15 years to rescue animals.

The Filipinos here work 16 hour shifts with no vacation and make 1/3 of the money we do.

People in Taitung last month lost their home from the Typhoon.

 I lost my mind over not getting to go to the beach for 2 weeks. WTF.

In life, you get back what you give. Counter girl clearly ran out of fucks to give.

In Taiwan, I often run out of fucks to give. I instantly assume all Taiwanese people will say " It's too hot," or " its too dangerous. ," I have grown tired of answering how much money do you make. I stopped giving a fuck.

I met counter girl with no fucks to give because I have been outputting on her same level.

 If you are in a position to help someone, try to give a fuck.

Help can come from a high-five, one more round of PSS ( paper scissor stone) after the bell. Help can come in many ways.

If we all give one more fuck, it helps.
 I just wanted somebody to give one fuck, and not hold their honor over fine print.

Counter girl, with no fucks to give, didn't know 9 months ago I was homeless, and had to hope against hope every day to find sub work, and for that sub work to pay cash so I could eat and didn't have to sleep at the train station with the rest of the bums.

Counter girl, with no fucks to give, didn't know this trip was to celebrate this turn around.

My siblings and I didn't know when the fork hit the wall Larue just needed somebody to give a fuck.

A butt-hurt blog about me not following the rules will not change the world. The country has rules. Counter girl had rules to follow. If counter  girl had a fuck to give, we could have talked solutions.

Just think twice next time you run out of fucks to give.

Thanks for listening!