Oh No! Hungry Beavers Ate Terrible Tom's Ass in Taipei Prison

Bullshit News in Taiwan got word of a shocking incident in the Taipei Prison last weekend. An Expat living in Taiwan, with the name of Terrible Tom was having a really rough time recently. His life became especially problematic when he ran out of things to bitch about a few months ago. (Read the Tragedy of Terrible Tom here) He apparently never recovered from this tragic incident, and even more importantly, he never found any productive ways to kill his excessive amounts of free time. Bitching about stuff seems to have been his only creative talent.

Terrible Tom had taken to drinking copious amounts of booze at 7-11 on Saturday nights. When the 7-11 worker told him he couldn't drink anymore until tomorrow, he grabbed all the beer out of the refrigerator and stacked it up on the floor of 7-11. From there, he placed the garbage can less than  ten feet from the beer. He prepared to start individually kicking all of the beer into the garbage can. while screaming, " If I can't drink the beer, I'm going to kick it all into the garbage can."

In  news that was even more shocking than a grown-ass man punting all the beer cans into a garbage can at a 7-11,  The Taipei Police actually deemed this weird enough to respond to the call.The police officers that responded to the scene said he threatened to give them an English test if they chose to arrest him. In some brave police officer work, they stood their ground and took Terrible Tom into the Taipei Prison.

Terrible Tom's cellmate, Mr.Cheng, was excited to get word that he was getting a new cellmate. This would give him his first opportunity to endlessly stare at a foreigner since he once went to his buxiban class in 7th grade. Mr. Cheng also told Bullshit News in Taiwan reporters he hasn't been this happy since he got to stare at his buxiban teacher , Mister Max, back in seventh grade during their Friday night 7pm to 9pm class.

Terrible Tom clearly  has lost his mind now that he has nothing left to bitch about. On day two in Taipei Prison, he took to stock-piling leftover rice into his prison jumpsuit.  From there, he smeared the pink and gray walls of the Taipei Prison with the remaining rice leftovers. He had allegedly convinced himself that the stench of rotten food on his walls would keep unwanted intruders out of his and Mr.Cheng's cell

Terrible Tom's fate took a turn even worse than  if he would have gotten attacked by some of the more vicious criminals on the block like Murderin' Chuck, and his brother Bone Crusher Herbert. In the only known case of beavers appearing in a tropical climate like Taipei, the rice on the walls attracted a den of hungry beavers. Even worse, Terrible Tom had ordered a heavy dose of sleeping pills to get him through the night and avoid the awkwardness of waking up to see his bunk mate creepily gazing at him every time he woke up. So, Terrible Tom never had a chance when the beavers climbed into his bed with him.

The beavers gnawed on his ass all through the night. They just ransacked that thing like a drunk dude on a bowl of beef noodle soup at four in the morning. The whole time his ass was getting eaten by the beavers, Mr. Cheng remained busy staring at Terrible Tom's blonde hair.

It all came to a climax in the morning when Terrible Tom got up to go to the bathroom, and he noticed when he farted that he didn't make a sound. He turned around, and screamed, "Dude, Where's my ass?"