Bullshit News in Taiwan- You'll Never Believe Why Herman The Expat Report Hates Cabbage So Much!
Cabbage Prices Shock Taiwanese Citizens Island-Wide
In news that shocked Taiwan, the price of Cabbage nearly doubled this past Monday...
In news that should have shocked the rest of the world, the price of cabbage made the news in Taiwan....
The E-mail That Nearly Broke Herman The Expat Reporter
I have an assignment for you this week.
The cabbage prices went up last night.
As you already know,
this means that retired people all over the island
will be going to Family Marts, Temples, 7-11's,
and anywhere they can think
to find someone to listen to them complain
about this.
As you probably remember,
this happens every year in May.
I want 3000 words by Friday.
You're my guy.
Go get 'em Hermie.
Your Bosss,
Ms. Wu
The lead reporter at Bullshit News in Taiwan, Herman The Expat Reporter, bashed his forehead against his desk after reading this e-mail from his supervisor. His palms pointed to the ceiling
"Why me!?"Never Hit Send While You Are Angry
He was so angry that he responded to her e-mail without putting much thought into it.
Dear. Ms. Wu
You have made me do this story for the last seven years in Taiwan.
It is moronic
I want to take all the cabbage left in the world
to the edge of the Pacific Ocean
and punt it all into the ocean, head by head.
:):) :)
Lead Reporter,
Bullshit News in Taiwan
Herman's desk phone rang immediately.
"Herman the Expat Reporter, how can I help you?"
"This is Miss Wu. Can I have a word with you?"
Herman strolled into Ms. Wu's office thinking she might actually take mercy on him, and get another reporter to do the story.
"Sit down Herman."
"So, you want to kick all the cabbage into the ocean? This sounds like you are an angry guy!"
"Yes. Please let me off this story. I will go nuts."
"I'm sorry. But, the only way I can let you off this story, is if you make a visit with the company life coach to address your anger issues Herman."
"Great! Anything is better than reporting about cabbage. ."
When Ms. Wu prodded Herman the Expat to find out how his first coaching session went ,he told his boss about his complaints.
Dear. Ms. Wu
You have made me do this story for the last seven years in Taiwan.
It is moronic
I want to take all the cabbage left in the world
to the edge of the Pacific Ocean
and punt it all into the ocean, head by head.
:):) :)
Lead Reporter,
Bullshit News in Taiwan
Herman's desk phone rang immediately.
"Herman the Expat Reporter, how can I help you?"
"This is Miss Wu. Can I have a word with you?"
Herman strolled into Ms. Wu's office thinking she might actually take mercy on him, and get another reporter to do the story.
"Sit down Herman."
"So, you want to kick all the cabbage into the ocean? This sounds like you are an angry guy!"
"Yes. Please let me off this story. I will go nuts."
"I'm sorry. But, the only way I can let you off this story, is if you make a visit with the company life coach to address your anger issues Herman."
"Great! Anything is better than reporting about cabbage. ."
Never Trust a Man in Yoga Pants
When Ms. Wu prodded Herman the Expat to find out how his first coaching session went ,he told his boss about his complaints.
"Terrible. For a lot of reasons. First of all, he goes by Mr. Yoga Pants. We met on Skype. His connection was so slow. I believe he must have been on AOL Dial-Up. Next, I was happy that the guy was actually wearing pants, but it is really uncomfortable for a man to see another man in yoga pants. I shouldn't have even had to see his pants as he should have just been sitting at his desk, but he insisted on getting into the Downward Facing Dog Position when he listened to me talk. He said it helps him hear my story better. It was hard not too look.To make things even worse, he kept calling me Hermie-My Brother. I wanted to put my foot in his ass. So, yeah, I really think he is doing a poor job."
Ms. Wu, a regular client of Mr. Yoga pants, suddenly got defensive, "Well, Hermie-My Brother, I got news for you.Mr. Yoga Pants is not only my Life Coach, but also my lover, and now you have insulted my online lover. "
Ms. Wu continued.
"You have 24 hours, Hermie My Brother, to go home and finish you article on the increase in the price of cabbage . If you don't get at least 20,000 views, I will punish you. I will fly Mr. Yogapants in from his home in Uzbekistan. Then, you will be forced to pay for 500 more hours of coaching with Mr. Yogapants, out of your own pocket. If you thought his Skype sessions were awkward, you know what he does in person? He will make you go side by side in Down Dog with him, while you talk about re-igniting your interest in the price of cabbage in Taiwan. "
Death To All Cabbage!
After buying a bottle of Gao Liang, the Taiwanese rice wine, Herman the Expat thought about his looming deadline and the ridiculous demand of getting 20k views on the story. He put on some Rage Against the Machine as he downed shot after shot of Gao Liang. He put his feet on his desk and gazed into the bulls eye dart target he already had set-up of Mr.Yoga pants in downward facing dog. As he got ready to throw a dart into the ass of Mr. Yoga pants, something came crashing down from the top of his closet.
"God Damn It. I have been hit on the head . It's my Cabbage Patch Kid doll. Die Cabbage. Die!!!"
He stumbled onto his chair determined to get the rest of his Cabbage Patch Kid doll collection down from the top of his closet. He fell seven times due to the effects of the Gaoliang suddenly starting to hit him, He also grabbed all of the newspaper clippings from his past articles about cabbage prices going up in May, and started a big fire in his living room. Within the time it took him to finish off the Gaoliang, he threw the remaining Cabbage Patch Kid collection onto the fire. He was so sick of anything to do with cabbage.
His neighbor Old Man Cheng was creepily standing in the window watching the whole thing take place. Old Man Cheng had started at him for on average seven hours a day for the last six months, hoping one day that he could figure out a way to open his mouth and talk to Herman. So Old Man Cheng came running over with a giant bucket of water. Old Man Cheng left after the fire was out. However, Old Man Cheng became too nervous when it came time to speak.
A Drunk Herman The Expat Reporter Seeks Inspiration
 |
| Trying to find a comeback |
"Big N (Nelson). You will be great. I'm sure you will have no problems getting a job that will help you pay back the sixty grand for your online degree."
He suddenly noticed what looked like an important letter glued to the front page of his yearbook. It was from his college professor, Mr. Holkentsteimer, aka. Dr. Hulk.
"Sorry. \Herman. I need to be honest with you. You were the worst student I ever taught. I suggest you take our program over again. I actually bet money with another professor that if you take care of things in your daily life as bad as you write, you can't even tie your shoes, without assistance.
Yours Truly,
Dr. Hulk."
"Damn it. I will prove this son of a bitch wrong someday."
Nelson pondered how to not only prove Dr.Hulk wrong, but to also meet Ms. Wu's demands of 20,000 views on this piece about cabbage.
He felt like he had his answer. All of the other newspaper pieces by the other newspapers in Taiwan would probably focus on some grumpy old people in the neighborhood griping about the price of cabbage, but he thought he could make it more interesting by asking himself, "How can I bring the issue of an increase of cabbage prices that happens every May in Taiwan to the world stage?"
Herman's Nephew's Take on Cabbage !
"Yes! I will interview people from different countries, and different age brackets. It will be much more unique than the last seven times I did this type of article, and the other papers who basically just get random grandfathers to say, 'I can't believe it.'
"First. Let's get off to a good start. Let me call someone who can not turn me down for an interview, my nephew, Angry Billy. "
"This is going to be great."
After practicing what to say to his nephew , he finally got the nerve to call him. He reminded himself not to let the little guy intimidate him.
"Hey Billy."
A five year old Angry Billy coughed a bit, as he puffed on a Marlboro Red cigarette.
"Yeah, what do you want Uncle? How did you get this number anyway? It's my private number, supposed to be for the girls in the hood."
"Sorry sir. Sorry sir. "
"It will only take a minute of your time. People are really angry about the price of Cabbage here in Taiwan. What do you think about that?"
Nelson suddenly heard a loud tumble and Angry Billy yelling at his Mom.
His nephew had kicked over the three-wheeler in his room, and demanded his mom to fetch him a cigarette, immediately.
"Uncle Nelson. How many times do I gotta tell you?"
"I hate cabbage. Mom knows I hate it. She puts it on my PB& J sandwiches, and I have to tell her I'm gonna sock her a good one if she does it again. "
"Don't call back again."
Fearless Herman felt good about the quote, very unique.
Interview #2 Thrifty Rob
Herman remembered a casual acquaintance of his. It was a middle-aged British guy. He also happened to know where this British guy would be on a Tuesday morning at 10:00. Smashing beers at the local Seven-Eleven. Thrifty Rob stumbled out of the Seven Eleven, drunk off his ass at ten in the morning on big bottles of Taiwan Beer as expected. Herman knew this was going to be his chance to break the big story, get Taiwan up on the world stage. He was so sure he could get Thrifty Rob to say something funny, or interesting.
"Hey Man. Cabbage prices are up again in May this year. Any thoughts on that?"
"Been here seven years. Seems like this is the seventh year anniversary of you asking me about cabbage prices in May. "
"Please, just tell me something. I have another assignment for Bullshit News, and I need a quote man. I will buy you a beer if you help me out again."
"Ok fine. You had me at beer.."
Herman dropped a 500NT ($20us dollars approximately) on the counter at Seven Eleven and told the clerks. "Keep 'em coming, for this guy."
"I have no idea why people care so much about the price of cabbage. "
"For Christ's sake, I had a pet hamster named Cardboard-Eating Larry when I was a kid. "
"He wouldn't even eat the cabbage I put in his bowl and that little dude used to eat the cardboard from shit paper. "
"Ha ha ha. That's pretty low on the food chain, Bruah."
"He is not even high enough on the food chain to get the opportunity eat shit paper. But, he still won't eat cabbage. So, why anyone would care is beyond me."
Herman thought, "Not bad. We got a British guy- that will get attention from the Brits, and we got my Indonesian nephew. I can just see the views already."
Gramps on The Ouija Board
Feeling like he had some good quotes from Thrifty Rob, he continued to solicit more feedback on the great cabbage price jack-up of 2019.
He decided to keep his idea going of getting the most unique perspective possible on this story by gathering people from different age groups and different countries. Now, he even went to a different life form. He got the Ouija Board out, and tried to awake the spirit of his Sicilian Grandfather. Herman pinkie-swears that he heard his Grandfather speaking to him on the Ouija Board.
This is the transcript from his conversation via the Ouija Board with his grandfather...
"Jesus Christ. Is it May already ?"
" You're asking me about the price of Cabbage in Taiwan again. I thought rabbits were the only animals that like cabbage. Even Bugs Bunny was smart enough not to eat cabbage, , he ate carrots instead. "
"That should tell you everything you need to know. Even a god damn cartoon character knows not to care about cabbage. Stop asking me about this crap. "
His grandfather continued to ramble on.
"You ask me this shit every year in May. Yeah, the only person that should ever give a shit about the price of cabbage is a Rabbit Farmer. Now, stop bothering me kid. I am a Ghost, and I have a busy schedule of people to haunt. "
Herman The Expat Does Some Soul-Searching On His Connection To Cabbage in Taiwan
Herman the Expat reporter saw the light at the end of the green tunnel of cabbage. He was convinced that this story was going to get him out of reporting on this annual price increase. He had already accomplished the first half of his goal by getting different perspectives from people all over the world. Hell, he even got a Ghost. What a fantastic piece.
He felt like he just needed to have the finishing punch on the piece. He remembered some insight that Dr. Hulk' gave him while in college "When you can't find the finishing touches to your piece, just go soul searching back to your childhood."
" How can I connect my soul to the article? What do I remember about Taiwan as a kid? There's gotta be something."
The list went like this.
1.) Six foot tall baseball pitchers in the Little League World Series throwing curve balls that broke three feet. Oh, and something about cheating.
2.) All of his childhood toys had a sticker, 'Made in Taiwan.'
3.) Watching champion Taiwanese hot dog eater Henry "Jaws" Cheng gorging on 74 hot dogs, in the 1992 World Champion Hot Dog Eating Contest.
4.) Getting a boner after watching Taiwanese #1 female athlete Charlotte "Twinkle Toes" Zheng take home a gold medal in the 1996 Olympics, in the sport of Table Tennis.
5.) His grandfather yelling at him while watching Taiwanese badminton player,Wang Wang Yihan, winning a gold medal in badminton at the age of seven. His grandfather was yelling, "I don't even know why they let China in the Olympics. "
6.) China points bombs at Taiwan as often as a 13 year old boy points the thumbs up at his dick.
7.) His Taiwanese classmate in second grade , Henry Wu, took second place in the World Cup of Math. He lost to a guy from NASA.
Herman The Expat Reporter Quits His Job as Reporter
He thought to himself.
"Damn. Nothing about cabbage. Nothing about why I am stuck writing this piece again"
Finally, the light bulb went off in his head.
"Oh right. I have been in Taiwan for seven years. Every year in May, it rains for the entire month, which means that sooner or later the fields will flood, and then the vegetables will be in serious danger of spoiling quickly. Then, the prices are forced to be jacked-up. So, that's why I make this God Damn report every year in May.
"This makes me angry enough to go out and find a three-wheeler to kick over. Of all the things to bitch about, I am supposed to go and collect information about people mad about cabbage prices. Even worse, there is clearly a reason why the price of cabbage goes up every year! Wouldn't it be easier for that rare breed of people that love cabbage so much to just budget a few extra dollars for cabbage in May. That seems so much easier then sending all these reporters out there to report on it, pages to be printed, clicks to be wasted online.
Seriously. Who cares about these people complaining about the price of cabbage anyway? As my Grandfather said, not even a God Damn cartoon character will eat cabbage
Forget this. I'm going to get a new job, as an English teacher. I will show those people at Bullshit News!"
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