How to Work Your Way into the Shit House as a Small Business Owner

Congratulations Small Business Owner! 

 Everyone offers advice on how to succeed.  

Nobody ever offers advice on how to bomb.

Follow my suggestions. I guarantee a swift journey right to the shit house.

***The tips come from my own six week career as a freelance writer. I think I set every record possible for terribleness. ***

#1 Cut off All Ties- Cancel your cell phone plan. Stop talking to people. Allow no way of clients possibly contacting you.

Bye- Bye Friends & Family



#2 Keep Drinking-  Expect low funds. Drink more.  Set career highs for your worst hang over ever. Clobber your record high vomit days from university.

Bottoms Up Bitches!


#3 Go to Bed Later- You need to go to bed one hour later than normal. I highly recommend developing a porn addiction.

Great resting spot


 #4 Check Facebook Excessively- Walk into the room. Turn your computer on. Check all FB notifications. See who liked your picture from seven years ago. Return the favor by liking random photos for that same person. Bonus points if you don’t give a shit about that person. You go! You're almost in the shit house.

Your new home


#5 Schedule- No schedule intensifies the feeling of being overwhelmed. Pat yourself on the back if you throw away any free day planners that are given to you.
Good for tossing in the garbage

#6 Sign up for Postloop- Postloop pays people to comment on blogs. The rate of pay equals about $2.50/hr.  Buy yourself a beer if you find one of the lower paying ones. Way to go ‘pecker brain!’
The funny hair makes him smile for now. Wait until he gets his paycheck from postloop.


#7 Excessively dwell over the past- Did you fail a test in 1989? Try to remember the answer to question the teacher corrected for you. If your ex-girlfriend’s name is Psycho, call her for an additional pat on the ole buttocks. Most importantly, keep living in any moment you fucked up in the past. 
Think long enough about a mistake. You might figure out why it happened.
#8 Never take breaks- You will be busy worrying about the past, drinking, and looking at FB excessively.  If you do find time to work, never take a break. Just keep working.  Causing yourself a sore back gets you a special place in your mommy’s eye.



#9 Stop doing rough drafts- Set outrageous goals you know you can’t reach every day. Please ensure you have no time to redo your work. Bye-bye quality!
The last pen or pencil you will ever use


#10 Computer Windows- Make sure to have at least seven or eight windows open at all times.  You will need constant distractions if you want a one way ticket to the shit house.

Keep the screen cluttered. Don't delete anything.
#11 Your Home-Start throwing shit on the floor. I don’t mean things. I mean feces. Get rid of garbage cans. Never dry your laundry.  Make sure your desk chair is very uncomfortable.
People need not apply

 #12 Ridicule others- If you want to be jamming in the shit house with other degenerates, start making fun of other online writers.  Accuse them of being cheating bigots.
Butta face- everything good but her face. Just say it. 


Print this list out. Tape it to your computer. Book your ticket to the shit house.


---Picture Credit -- All Photos Were taken from Freeimages.com ---


















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