Bullshit News in Taiwan- Crazy Ted's New Years Resolutions Will Shock You

After a year of scandals, and poor on the job performance, Crazy Ted has declared that 2019 will be his year. He has made some shocking New Year's Resolutions in an effort to change his life and the life of his students for the better.


A New Strategy For One Particular Bothersome Habit of His Students- If you're an English teacher in Taiwan, you certainly know the frustrations of trying to get your students to remember to add the letter s to plural words. Crazy Ted has declared that the year 2020 is his year to ensure that students will absolutely remember how to correctly say and spell plural words. Every time that a student forgets the letter s while he is teaching, he will take a shit on the floor of the classroom and emphatically scream, "You see that? That's two logssssssssssss, of shit on the floor. More than one, You add S!".

Drink Gaoliang instead of water- Although Crazy Ted has decided to become more demanding this year with his students, he also recognizes the need to create a relaxed learning environment. He remembers the words his boss told him on the day of his interview, "I just need you to let them say something in English." So, he has decided that his inhibitions are much lower after a few shots of Gaoliang. With this bit of strategic self-assessment in mind,  he has vowed that every time he goes for a glass of water, he will also drink a shot of Gaoliang.  He feels strongly that the more hammered he is during class, the more the kids will talk too. 

Eat One Child Per Semester- To mitigate the stress of achieving such lofty goals, Crazy Ted has decided that he is going to eat at least one child per semester. He thinks that the lower producing students will stand in the way of his transformational goals.

Only punch himself in the shower- With Crazy Ted being on Apple Daily four times last year because of his habit of punching himself in the face during class every time one of his Kindergarten students spells a word that he knows he can not,  he has decided to make this the year that he only punches himself in the comfort of his own shower. He is confident that he won't be on Apple Daily at all this year.

Crazy Ted has clearly laid out a plan for success this year. A sauced-up and less stressed out crazy Ted will absolutely prove for him, and more importantly,  a better future for the children of Taiwan.