Bullshit News Reports An American Man Has Moved into a Seven-Eleven
Teacher Frank Smashes The Record for Debauchery in Too Much Six
"I laid my head down on the table; next to my
half-finished microwavable lunch. The A/C at 19 degrees would have froze any
normal person; if I didn’t have the harshest case of the booze sweats that must
have been inflicted on any human being. With my head pounding like only a forty
year old man's head can pound, I knew I had no choice but to stay here,
forever."
An
American Ex-pat’s antics, who asked to be called Teacher Frank, in
the Southcentral Taiwan city of TaiLiou, (English translation: Very Six) shocked our
lead investigator, Nardy Nicphearson. She proceeded to rush as quickly as one
can rush on a fifteen year old 125 cc scooter to the Zhongshan Road Seven
Eleven to verify this news of yet again another foreigner reaching a
thrilling summit of debauchery.
A Motley Crew: Sticky Ball Sam & Drunk Dick
Let's not forget Drunk Dick from the early 2000's, a
British chap, who got so drunk before teaching his first class at eight a.m.
while hanging out with some of the old man drunks at the local park,
that his boss decided that since she didn't have the financial resources
to give him a drug and alcohol test, that she would give him a pop spelling
test. Drunk Dick was fired when he spelled fireman- f-i-r-e-m-a-h-n. .
Teacher Frank's Epiphany
Teacher
Frank, the ex-pat now living at Seven Eleven, told our staff reporter,
Nardy Nichphearson, at Bullshit News, that he is happily
adjusting to his new situation. He also mentioned,
"I should have just moved to a Seven Eleven when I
first came to Taiwan for two reasons; living space, and convenience. I mean, I
have way more space in my living room than any apartment I have ever had in my
ten years in Taiwan.
Things are also extremely convenient for me. No more
beer runs. I can have dinner at home every night now, and I even have somebody
to cook for me, as long as I can remember the word for hot in Mandarin. If not,
I just say hot, and they warm stuff up for me in the microwave anyway. Taiwan
is so chill."
Teacher
Frank can’t exactly recall all the specifics of how he ended up living at 7-11.
But, apparently, it was another normal night out at Loxy's. Fifty percent
of the single female patrons were sleeping on the bar (1 out of 2), and with
the sun coming up, and one random Taiwanese guy who kept telling him, "I
love you," finally creeping him out enough to ride his bike home.
Since, he didn't ride his bike into a tree or
a pole by the time he got halfway home like the previous weekend, he felt like
rewarding himself with a Taiwan beer, and maybe a cold shower if he got
home. Poor Frank never made it back for that shower. He woke up on a dry
Seven-Eleven bathroom floor at noon, with a can of Taiwan beer opened,
that his lips never touched, and he still somehow managed to not spill a drop,
in a drunken stupor.
Teacher Frank's Language Exchange
Further
investigation found that he actually had help in finishing the deal that helped
him call Seven Eleven his new home. The
aide came from a woman who actually used to be a bit of a nemesis for him.
Chief Walker, which is her English name, was his nemesis due to the fact that
she had a look that she wanted to talk to him. He immediately categorized anyone with that same
look of interest in a conversation, as a nemesis. Teacher Frank had hit his max
of saying, ‘Yes, Taiwan very good,’ over five years ago. Teacher Frank wanted
to chat with nobody at this point in his life.
This heroine in waiting, Chief Walker, is a bit like
Teacher Frank, and actually more like our previously noted British friend, Drunk
Dick. She starts her mornings with a bottle of Gao Liang, a Taiwanese rice wine
that tastes a bit like gasoline. After she gets too drunk to walk, she rolls
around town in her walker and yells, "Hello!" at everyone she sees.
Teacher Frank had been avoiding eye contact with her for six months. But, she
saw him inside the bathroom that Frank left unlocked while sleeping on the
floor, and she said something besides, "Hello!" She said in Mandarin,
"I know I know, " and shook her head yes like stay here, and then she
winked at the Seven Eleven workers that it would be ok for him to stay here
permanently. Amazingly, the workers just signalled at Chief Walker,
"Ok!" This was began their new alliance. Chief Walker had fantasized about
this friendship on a lot of her late morning drunken rolls.
Even though Teacher Frank was hammered when
he nodded back OK at Chief Walker to agree to living at Seven Eleven, he did
remember thinking, ‘Oh Great, now I am going to spend the next forty five
minutes endlessly stamping an infinite pile of papers.’ If you have never been
to Taiwan, be assured that no business deal is complete without the deployment
of enough stamp ink to make whoever has the financial rights to the material
used to make stamp ink, Titanium Dioxide, rich enough to retire again every time
a business deal is made. Taiwan Residents know if they are buying
something that needs a contract to allot for an extra forty five minutes at the
end of the deal to get everything that needs to be stamped, stamped. But, Chief Walker, apparently has enough of
the form of Taiwanese social pull, Guanxi, to get the Seven Eleven workers to
not only not force them to let her buddy stay here; but more importantly to
Frank, he didn’t have to go through the parade of stamping a never-ending stack
of papers.
Rumors
have also circulated that Chief Walker actually is the first person Teacher
Frank now sees every morning at 7:00 when he is done brushing his teeth. They
commence their language exchange from there; if he is lucky she waits until he
is out of the bathroom to start. Their language exchange has been prosperous
for both parties. Chief Walker can now count to ten in English. This is great
for her; because when she gets to ten empty red cups in the morning, she knows she must cease drinking Gaoliang.
She is also quite the teacher of Taiwanese herself. The rumors at Seven are
that if Frank will soon be able to the tell farmers, "I don't want any Gao
Liang," if he keeps studying this hard. Apparently, Frank’s newest
boss, Miss Star, put in a request to Chief Walker for him to memorize this
sentence so he doesn’t get fired from his job. Frank even confessed to our own staff
reporter at Bullshit News, Nardy Nichphearson, that his life has seen
dramatic improvements since meeting Chief Walker, and once he sees that
toothless smile in the morning, that he knows he has something to look forward
to again today
So, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, if you're
hungover like a forty year old, and you don't can't make it home. Just stay at
the Sven Eleven. Nobody will ever say a word to you anyway.
What a happy story. Loved it.
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