Bullshit News Reports An American Man Has Moved into a Seven-Eleven
Teacher Frank Smashes The Record for Debauchery in Too Much Six
"I laid my head down on the table; next to my half-finished microwavable lunch. The A/C at 19 degrees would have froze any normal person; if I didn’t have the harshest case of the booze sweats that must have been inflicted on any human being. With my head pounding like only a forty year old man's head can pound, I knew I had no choice but to stay here, forever."
An American Ex-pat’s antics, who asked to be called Teacher Frank, in the Southcentral Taiwan city of TaiLiou, (English translation: Very Six) shocked our lead investigator, Nardy Nicphearson. She proceeded to rush as quickly as one can rush on a fifteen year old 125 cc scooter to the Zhongshan Road Seven Eleven to verify this news of yet again another foreigner reaching a thrilling summit of debauchery.
A Motley Crew: Sticky Ball Sam & Drunk Dick
The news of this American Expat to relocate into a Seven Eleven has sent shock-waves through the community of Expats, who like to call call it Too Much Six. This surprising event comes in a city with a long history of degenerate Expats as well; dating back to the first ex-pat who willingly decided take up residence here, Sticky-Ball Sam, back in 1987. Sticky Ball Sam will tell anyone that listens that he is the one that invented the sticky ball game that students in Taiwan still go crazy for. In 1987, he could actually say that he got off the chicken truck upon arrival to Too Much Six; which in 1987 was a blue truck that drove at triple the speed limit, on a slow day, while transporting chickens on its route from Taipei to Kaoshiung. Sticky Ball Sam decided to live in Too Much Six because he thought having to be to work on time in Taipei was more of a hassle than he was cut out for.
Let's not forget Drunk Dick from the early 2000's, a British chap, who got so drunk before teaching his first class at eight a.m. while hanging out with some of the old man drunks at the local park, that his boss decided that since she didn't have the financial resources to give him a drug and alcohol test, that she would give him a pop spelling test. Drunk Dick was fired when he spelled fireman- f-i-r-e-m-a-h-n. .
Teacher Frank's Epiphany
Teacher Frank, the ex-pat now living at Seven Eleven, told our staff reporter, Nardy Nichphearson, at Bullshit News, that he is happily adjusting to his new situation. He also mentioned,
"I should have just moved to a Seven Eleven when I first came to Taiwan for two reasons; living space, and convenience. I mean, I have way more space in my living room than any apartment I have ever had in my ten years in Taiwan.
Things are also extremely convenient for me. No more beer runs. I can have dinner at home every night now, and I even have somebody to cook for me, as long as I can remember the word for hot in Mandarin. If not, I just say hot, and they warm stuff up for me in the microwave anyway. Taiwan is so chill."
Teacher Frank can’t exactly recall all the specifics of how he ended up living at 7-11. But, apparently, it was another normal night out at Loxy's. Fifty percent of the single female patrons were sleeping on the bar (1 out of 2), and with the sun coming up, and one random Taiwanese guy who kept telling him, "I love you," finally creeping him out enough to ride his bike home.
Since, he didn't ride his bike into a tree or a pole by the time he got halfway home like the previous weekend, he felt like rewarding himself with a Taiwan beer, and maybe a cold shower if he got home. Poor Frank never made it back for that shower. He woke up on a dry Seven-Eleven bathroom floor at noon, with a can of Taiwan beer opened, that his lips never touched, and he still somehow managed to not spill a drop, in a drunken stupor.
Teacher Frank's Language Exchange
Further investigation found that he actually had help in finishing the deal that helped him call Seven Eleven his new home. The aide came from a woman who actually used to be a bit of a nemesis for him. Chief Walker, which is her English name, was his nemesis due to the fact that she had a look that she wanted to talk to him. He immediately categorized anyone with that same look of interest in a conversation, as a nemesis. Teacher Frank had hit his max of saying, ‘Yes, Taiwan very good,’ over five years ago. Teacher Frank wanted to chat with nobody at this point in his life.
This heroine in waiting, Chief Walker, is a bit like Teacher Frank, and actually more like our previously noted British friend, Drunk Dick. She starts her mornings with a bottle of Gao Liang, a Taiwanese rice wine that tastes a bit like gasoline. After she gets too drunk to walk, she rolls around town in her walker and yells, "Hello!" at everyone she sees. Teacher Frank had been avoiding eye contact with her for six months. But, she saw him inside the bathroom that Frank left unlocked while sleeping on the floor, and she said something besides, "Hello!" She said in Mandarin, "I know I know, " and shook her head yes like stay here, and then she winked at the Seven Eleven workers that it would be ok for him to stay here permanently. Amazingly, the workers just signalled at Chief Walker, "Ok!" This was began their new alliance. Chief Walker had fantasized about this friendship on a lot of her late morning drunken rolls.
Even though Teacher Frank was hammered when he nodded back OK at Chief Walker to agree to living at Seven Eleven, he did remember thinking, ‘Oh Great, now I am going to spend the next forty five minutes endlessly stamping an infinite pile of papers.’ If you have never been to Taiwan, be assured that no business deal is complete without the deployment of enough stamp ink to make whoever has the financial rights to the material used to make stamp ink, Titanium Dioxide, rich enough to retire again every time a business deal is made. Taiwan Residents know if they are buying something that needs a contract to allot for an extra forty five minutes at the end of the deal to get everything that needs to be stamped, stamped. But, Chief Walker, apparently has enough of the form of Taiwanese social pull, Guanxi, to get the Seven Eleven workers to not only not force them to let her buddy stay here; but more importantly to Frank, he didn’t have to go through the parade of stamping a never-ending stack of papers.
Rumors have also circulated that Chief Walker actually is the first person Teacher Frank now sees every morning at 7:00 when he is done brushing his teeth. They commence their language exchange from there; if he is lucky she waits until he is out of the bathroom to start. Their language exchange has been prosperous for both parties. Chief Walker can now count to ten in English. This is great for her; because when she gets to ten empty red cups in the morning, she knows she must cease drinking Gaoliang. She is also quite the teacher of Taiwanese herself. The rumors at Seven are that if Frank will soon be able to the tell farmers, "I don't want any Gao Liang," if he keeps studying this hard. Apparently, Frank’s newest boss, Miss Star, put in a request to Chief Walker for him to memorize this sentence so he doesn’t get fired from his job. Frank even confessed to our own staff reporter at Bullshit News, Nardy Nichphearson, that his life has seen dramatic improvements since meeting Chief Walker, and once he sees that toothless smile in the morning, that he knows he has something to look forward to again today
So, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, if you're hungover like a forty year old, and you don't can't make it home. Just stay at the Sven Eleven. Nobody will ever say a word to you anyway.