The Desert (Superstition Wilderness) Nearly Took My Life

Motionless in the Desert (The Superstition Wilderness in Mesa, AZ)

My water bottled emptied before the temps reached triple digits..

Nutrients exited my body since 6:00 a.m. Two chocolate brownie flavored Cliff bars could not sustain my body for thirteen hours.  

My toes blistered. My arms could not swing back or forward. My legs could not even kick a pebble. My legs definitely could not carry me to safety.

My body collapsed in a stupor onto a large rock.  The rock rested in the middle of The Superstition Wilderness. The Superstition Wilderness consists of 160,000 acres. My legs and arms dangled over my potential bed, maybe even my potential death bed.

Choice of Lifestyles (Mimicking my Bro Zion)

I had lived on this planet for twenty-eight years. I hiked Camelback Mountain five days per week. Camelback Mountain offered a ninety minute completely vertical climb. I often hiked Camelback Mountain twice per day. After Camelback Mountain, I went to the gym three times per week No amount of cardio-vascular exercise tired me.

The full days of climbing, working, and going to the gym ignited my appetite. I sucked down frozen grapes by the bag, and licked the yogurt off the spoon. I lived for the five for $1 specials on yogurt.  I stared at my world map for an hour. I went to bed before nine. 

My brother, Zion, found a wife. Previously, my brother Zion surfed at sunrise. He went to his favorite burrito place, and ordered beer with his burrito. Then, he took a four hour nap. He usually spent the afternoon obnoxiously laughing. He laughed because he enjoyed his naps. 

I liked this lifestyle. I chose to mimic it (Arizona/Desert style)

Bangtown & Hiking Trails in One Hiking Blog (Naked in The Woods)

I operated a Nokia flip phone in 2006. People with GPS systems  used Google Maps. (I think.) I didn't use Google maps during hikes.

I used a lady's blog called Naked in The Woods to find trails. Naked in the Woods no longer exists. 

The Naked in The Woods author wrote clear descriptions of how to find trailheads, follow them, and get you back to your car safely. The Naked in The Woods author also wrote clear descriptions about taking her husband to bang-town during the hike. 

I completed a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration. I also started an MBA. I went hiking over fifty times by myself. I couldn't read a map. 

Use Bangtown Lady's Blog to Go on a Hike

One 2006 Friday night, I paired a sharpie with the back of a  cardboard Chipotle box.  

Chipotle sells burritos.  

The Weather Channel predicted an expected Saturday high temperature over 105 degrees F/ 42 degrees C. I jotted down the following instructions for my EARLY Saturday morning hike:

Driving

US 60 East (23 miles) --- Exit  Tortilla Flats- Turn Right---  Stay straight for 12 miles --- Turn right at Second Water Trailhead Parking Lot

Hiking

Second Water Trailhead (follow for 2 miles) --- to Geronimo Trailhead (follow for 3 miles)

East Valley Rift ( follow for 9 miles) ---- (and so forth)

 Important note #1- The Superstition Wilderness houses dangerous desert animals. The Superstition Wilderness hikers may see Gila Monsters, coyotes, mountain lions, snakes, spiders, scorpions, and  more. 

 Important note #2- Remember the length of the hike, and the simple directions. 

Hello Angry Gus

The sun laid to rest at 7:30 p.m.  

My '04 Corolla got me into the driveway of my buddy Gus' house at 8:15.

A Marlboro light cigarette hung from the mouth of Angry Gus.

Angry Gus greeted me at the door. 

Angry Gus  yelled "Get the fuck in here!"

A solo hike on a 105 degree day in The Superstition Wilderness blows any sane person's mind. 

 At 28 years old, I saw myself unstoppable.

Making News The Hard Way

The AZ 3 News  at 5:00 made the announcement: Valley Hiker, Joshua Dent,  is lost in The Superstition Wilderness. 

The Mesa (the town) Search & Rescue Team scattered throughout The Superstition Wilderness for the past two hours. Some men set out on foot. Some men flew above in a helicopter.

I finished my thirteen hour wander through the desert. 

I walked with my head down. I felt purple ooze sliming down my face. I don't know if it was a real feeling.

The Joshua Trees no longer amused me. The jumping cacti needed to stop fucking jumping. I tired of peeling those mother fuckers off my shins. 

The cool sweat dried from my AZ Diamondbacks freebie shirt (from filling out a credit card app)

My credit score probably equaled your last test score in high school, if you divide your test score by three. Visa still gave me the AZ Diamondbacks freebie shirt.

After a thirteen hour wonder, I met the guy looking for me.

The Last Moments of My Worst Nightmare Come True

I struggled to meet this guy looking for me.  

My last three drips of water evaporated into the hot desert AZ sun around noon.

The infinity of the water-less desert covered my sight.  

I contemplated taking a drink of my own  piss. I thought it would satisfy me. I didn't drink any piss.

The two chocolate brownie flavored Cliff bar wrappers remained in the pockets of my ripped black mesh shorts. Desert dust covered my Target sandals. Stones and pebbles lodged in between my toes. 

Every plant, every hill, every spot of sand, I saw three of. 

I saw triple of fucking everything. 

From my rock, the sun began to dive down toward its resting spot. The sun prepared to turn out the lights on  The Superstition Wilderness.  The sun does this every day at 7 p.m in the beginning of October.

I never forgot laying motionless on that rock.

 I contemplated the night ahead of me. The night didn't scare me. The desert's infinity scared me a little. I didn't know how far away society was.

I didn't think about the dangerous desert animals, or the looming temperature drop.(in the desert)  The rescue process intrigued me.  Who would find me? How would they find me? Could I walk out of there?

My back ached. My knees pulsated to the extreme.

The rescue helicopter flew over my head. It looked like an ant in the sky.  I just hoped it saw me.

I talked to two hunters about an hour ago.  I still don't know if I hallucinated.

On the rock, I didn't know AZ Channel 3 news announced I was lost. 

Before I was on the rock, I sent my pal Angry Gus a text message. My phone couldn't call. Good fortune let me pass a spot with a signal at some point. So, Angry Guy received the message. 

Angry Gus spelled my last name for the 9-1-1 operator, " Dent, D-E-N-T, like a Dent in the car." My mom taught me this joke when I was seven. I still think it is a funny joke. Angry Gus knew I wanted to go out  in style. 

On the rock, with dangling arms and legs, I came to my senses. I came to my senses the same way when somebody remembers where they parked their car. 

I snapped right out of a motionless daze. 

Follow The Telephone Wires

I came to my senses via the telephone wires above me. My brain fired off a message to just follow the telephone wires. I knew they would take me back to safety.

Consequences for my actions lied ahead.  Shame and embarrassment lodged in the bottom of my heart.  The shame and embarrassment over-powered the stinging sunburn, and relentless dehydration. 

A noise suddenly appeared in the desert: Whop-Whop-Whop-Whop 

It made the same sound of gravity being clobbered into submission.

Ten minutes ago, I would have killed for this sound. Now, I just have a heart full of shame and embarrasment. 

The rescue helicopter was above me.

I wanted to the whole day to go away.

Jerry The Gun Nut Performs A Miracle

I finally reached the side of Route 87.  I hoisted my  right thumb up for the first car. 

My favorite pie is pumpkin pie. I also like massages. If a tub full of pumpkin pie, and massage girls laid ahead, I couldn't walk to the massage girl & pumpkin pie tub.

 Drunk teenagers passed me. 

Then, Jerry The Gun Nut cruised up the side of Route 87.  Jerry The Gun Nut cranked down the windows of his '84 Ford Pickup. Jerry The Gun Nut liked guns. He still had a heart. Jerry The Gun Nut's forehead lowered six inches.

Jerry The Gun Nut: "Wherez ya goin son?"

Me: (act calm Josh, act calm, act calm) Second Water Trailhead parking lot

Jerry The Gun Nut:  " Hmm. Not really sure where that is."

Me: (act calm Josh, act calm, act calm) " Darn. Neither do I. I got a little lost today. "

Jerry The Gun Nut: " I thought so. Hop in. We'll sort 'er out."

I propped my leg onto the passenger side step-up to the truck. It felt like my leg could never make the twelve inch platform.

Jerry The Gun Nut told me I looked like I was lost. I laughed a bit as I now knew I was safe.

Jerry The Gun Nut proceeded to inform me he wasn't scared to pick me up. He said he had something to take care of me if I got out of line. He glanced down at the gun in his belt loop.

Jerry The Gun Nut commanded me to never go hiking again by myself.  JTGN (Jerry The Gun Nut) also invited me to his church. 

Jerry The Gun Nut found the Second Water Trailhead parking lot.

The miracle work of Jerry The Gun Nut finished. He let me out of the car to talk to the park ranger looking for me.

The Angriest Park Ranger- EVER!!!

The park ranger's uniform meshed with the color of his mustache. Every two to five words, his voice pitched up like an opera singer, his face reddened, and he stopped to awkwardly stare at me as his index finger wagged at the ground. He sounded like a Rabies-infected dog's bark. He wanted to rip me a new ass.

The park ranger confirmed my identity as Joshua Dent.  

The formalities and pleasantries ended.

His heart rated must have been steadily bouncing up as he managed the whole rescue process for the last two hours. He wanted a piece of Josh Dent, badly.

He launched into his lecture full steam ahead.

Park Ranger: (with a clenched jaw and grinding teeth) " Do you REALIZE... HOW MUCH MONEY... YOU COSTED THE US .... GOVERNEMENT.... TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!! "

Me: (thinking- Yeah, gee, that was the plan, cost the US gov't $50,000 while I suffer for 13 hours in the desert, don't spit out a random number Josh)  " No sir. "

Park Ranger: (with a clenched jaw and grinding teeth)  Next  TIME...  You go HIKING... MAY I SUGGGGGEST.... a BOTTLE of WATER

Me: (thinking- just say yes sir, this will end sooner) " Yes, sir."

The park ranger moved closer. He looked like he was going to hit me.

Park Ranger: ( jaw ready  to burst, teeth ready to fall out from grinding, still clenching and grinding, face getting redder)   

Next  TIME...  You go HIKING... MAY I SUGGGGGEST.... a MAP!!!!!!!

Me: (thinking- just say yes sir, this will end sooner) " Yes, sir."

The park ranger decreased the animosity by one meter, for one second. 

He took another step closer. He looked like he was going to hit me, AGAIN...

Park Ranger: (with a clenched jaw and grinding teeth)  Do you need MEDICAL... ATTENTION!!!!! ? !!!!!

Me: ( Thinking- I think that I could use some fucking fluids there dip shit, but just needing to get the fuck out of this guy's way.)  " No sir."

An hour ago, I stared an empty water bottle right in the face. I dropped my shorts. I grabbed my junk. I bailed on the plan to fill the bottle with piss. 

With nearly purple sunburn, and a chance to pass out at any moment, I hopped in my '04 Corolla. I drove to Angry Gus' house. 

Angry Gus isn't really an angry guy. He was more concerned than anything. Angry Gus and I drank a half gallon of Captain that night to celebrate my life. 

The desert nearly took my life.

Next time, you will find out why I told you this story.

Thanks for listening..