A Crowd of Old Drunks Hoists a Man on Their Shoulders
The posse of thugs banged their walking sticks against the park benches.
The gang leader tried to whistle, but misfired.
"I remember when I could whistle, and the babes would come running. "
"The good ole' days."
He clapped his hands instead.
"Ok gang."
"You have a mission
"Wake up that dirty old man."
"1kg of this Prunes Value Pack goes to the first person to get his eyes opened."
Before the rest of the crew could process what was said,Old Lady Yu jumped off the park bench. She landed with her hips perfectly straddled over his face. The cane began to thump on the other park benches again in attempt to get him up. She popped her thumbs towards the sky. She silenced the crowd by unbuttoning her blouse.
With the bag of prunes close enough for her to sniff them, she became frustrated that he wasn't even budging.
"What's the matter? "
"Not enough teeth left to suck these delicious Old-Lady titties ? "
" You should have stayed away from the Beetle Nut, Old Man!"
Old Man Cheng's lips grew ravenous, with the thought of free prunes.
He removed his droopy testicles from his unzipped pants, and stumbled over to his sleeping victim. He straddled his face as his knees creeked, their way closer to the ground, until his balls finally got within striking range of his opponent's chin. His right set exactly where his wisdom hair began, and his left nut on his mole. Then, he used his right hand to pound his balls off his chin.
Old Man Wu mumbled in disbelief.
"He has been dreaming of teabagging him since the first time we had this event, back in 1994."
The man everyone was trying to wake, suddenly rose from his ninety three dayd long spring time hibernation.
"Jesus Christ! Old Man Cheng. Even your balls smell like Gaoliang."
After his ninety three day nap or hibernation, he still remembered where he put the last of his Gaoliang.
With one hand on his Dixie cup of Gaoliang, he suddenly saw one of his other enemies, Old Man Shu, the great Kung Fu teacher. Old Man Kung Shu was on top of the park bench twirling his sun umbrella like numchucks, when he used the umbrella to knock the Gaoliang right out of his nemesis' shaky right hand.
The Gaoliangard counter-punched with his viscous tongue.
"I hope your cat drinks all of your Gaoliang, Old Man!"
Bullshit News in Taiwan's lead reporter, Taipei Xavier's ears screeched in horror.
"Oh my God, he's going to spit big enough to drench the whole crowd."
Xavier sighed with relief.
"Thank God, he was just clearing his throat."
The silent wheels of a black and yellow mobility scooter creeped up behind the crowd. The driver shouted at the Gaoliangard.
"This year, you woke up ten minutes later than usual, 'ya bum!"
"I could have won 100 NT gambling on Checkers by now. "
"By the way , you have a DROOPY ASS, Old Man!"
The Gaoliangard still had enough battery power remaining on his hearing aid to hear his two-wheeled bully.
"Hey. I set the record this year for the most Gaoliang drank in a 24 hour period!"
"So, there's good reason why I am late."
He gritted his teeth as he prepared to sharpen his sexless tongue.
"By the way, your wife didn't think I have a droopy ass when she gave me a rim job last year!"
" Old Man!"
Old Lady Cheng, the drunkest one out of the whole clan, agitated the Gaoliangard further.
" I got a Karaoke date with my neighbor later, and I plan on getting lucky."
" I got non-droopy, old-man-ass to tongue"
" Make your decision!"
"Old Man."
Amidst the battle of 'You have a droopy ass' insults, a gentleman strutted to the front of the circle, with the assistance of his walker.
The man with the walker was Old Man Wu. He wanted to protect his sacred event. He initiated the local festival twenty five years ago after watching Eddie Murray's Groundhog Day, over fifty five times in one year at the movie theater. From there, he came up with Taiwan's version of Groundhog's Day with his fellow alcoholic pals.
" Ok my fellow toothless geezers, you know the deal!"
Old Lady Cheng quickly interrupted him.
"Your Old-Man Tits are so droopy, I'm surprised you don't trip over 'em."
Mr. Wu shocked all of his drinking buddies with his next move. He dove his hand into Old Lady Cheng's purse to steal her tapioca pudding. Then, he threw the carton of pudding as far as he could, and shouted at her.
" Walt Disney called, your titties are so droopy, they said your titties could be Dopey's honorary cousins, Droopy 1 and Droopy 2! Old Lady!"
Old Lady Cheng was too busy trying to get her pudding before it melted in the hot Taipei sun, that she didn't even have time for a comeback.
He hushed the crowd as he finished his very serious and stern message.
"We can not sway The Gaoliangard's opinion one bit. Give him five minutes to gather himself, as he has been asleep for a very long time now, and when he gets up, we will learn the fate of something very important, on this great island nation of Taiwan. "
With a break in the insults, The Gaoliangard went back to his chair that he had been sleeping on while sitting straight up on for the entire spring, and reached for his blue bath sandals at his feet.
The crowd got so quiet that a fart could be heard all the way from the North to the South of this three hundred and ninety for kilometer long nation.
He stumbled his way to his feet. He kicked the tree behind him.The crowd took this as a clue to his mood.
The silence of the crowd turned into an aura of confidence. If he was kicking the same tree that provided him shelter for the last ninety three days, they assumed he was preparing himself for an angry mood.
The circle of drunks elbowed each other in their neighbors' respective beer bellies.
"This is going to be a good year. I just know it"
The drunks erupted in cheers when he headed for Park Exit #2. Exit #2 leads to Zhonghshan Road. On Zhongshan Road, many vegetable vendors try to sell their produce every day. Since he was going this way while in a pissed off mood, everyone assumed he was going out there to harass vegetable sellers.
Taipei Xavier, our Bullshit News Reporter, verified the old peoples' guesses about the Gaoliangard's plans, when he asked him why he was walking towards Zhonghsan Road.
" My right knee felt like new when I woke up after my spring time hibernation today, so I knew right away that this meant we won't get a lot of typhoons this year."
"So, what in the world does the feeling you have in your right knee have to do with how many typhoons Taiwan will get in a year?"
"Well, you see, Typhoon Days are the ultimate days for me. Because, I have an excuse for unlimited bitching on Typhoon days about vegetable prices. So, if the feeling in my knee is telling me , we won't have a lot of typhoons this year, I hit the streets quickly, and get as much bitching in as I can about the vegetable prices, since I won't have as many opportunities later on in the year."
"Got it. Thanks for your time, Mr. Gaoliangard."
On the other hand, if the Galiongard would have went out Exit #1, that would have meant he was going to hang out with granddaughter. This was because the feeling in his knee was telling him Taiwan was going to have a lot of typhoons, and he could pace his bitching about vegetable prices.
Reporter Taipei Xavier continued to follow the crowd, as they propped the Gaoliangard onto the roof of one of the men's mobility scooters. They were so excited that he was predicting a non-busy year for typhoons that they started a chant in his honor. They went from hating him, to total admiration of the man that delivered them the great news.
"No typhoons, No typhoons.
Gaoliangard's ass,
perky, perky, perky."
There may even be an elderly romance in the making. Old Lady Cheng kissed him on the cheek when he took a mild spill from the roof of the mobility scooter. The tumble came when the driver farted so violently that it shook the roof of the vehicle. She whispered in his ear.
"Young Man. Mr. Wu may have tried to take my last pudding. But, don't you worry your perky little ass, I got more pudding back at my place. You wanna come over and share it with me? Maybe I could spread it on your perky ass"
"By the way, I have always thought you had the perkiest ass in our group."
The festival godfather, Mr. Wu, gave our reporters one last quote.
"Yep, the Gaoliangard has been right for 24 years in a row. If I could take the money in my allowance for gambling on checkers, I would bet Taiwan has less than three typhoons this year."
Bullshit News in Taiwan offers our sincerest condolences to Old Lady Cheng's neighbor since she stood him up on their date.
The neighbor seemed to be in good spirits when Taipei Xavier asked if he planned on rescheduling their date.
"I don't think so, because now I know something about her. She's a dirty whore."
However, we would like to offer congratulations to Mr. Wu on another successful Gaoliangard's Day.
Gan Bei!
The gang leader tried to whistle, but misfired.
"I remember when I could whistle, and the babes would come running. "
"The good ole' days."
He clapped his hands instead.
"Ok gang."
"You have a mission
"Wake up that dirty old man."
"1kg of this Prunes Value Pack goes to the first person to get his eyes opened."
Before the rest of the crew could process what was said,Old Lady Yu jumped off the park bench. She landed with her hips perfectly straddled over his face. The cane began to thump on the other park benches again in attempt to get him up. She popped her thumbs towards the sky. She silenced the crowd by unbuttoning her blouse.
With the bag of prunes close enough for her to sniff them, she became frustrated that he wasn't even budging.
"What's the matter? "
"Not enough teeth left to suck these delicious Old-Lady titties ? "
" You should have stayed away from the Beetle Nut, Old Man!"
Old Man Cheng's lips grew ravenous, with the thought of free prunes.
He removed his droopy testicles from his unzipped pants, and stumbled over to his sleeping victim. He straddled his face as his knees creeked, their way closer to the ground, until his balls finally got within striking range of his opponent's chin. His right set exactly where his wisdom hair began, and his left nut on his mole. Then, he used his right hand to pound his balls off his chin.
Old Man Wu mumbled in disbelief.
"He has been dreaming of teabagging him since the first time we had this event, back in 1994."
The man everyone was trying to wake, suddenly rose from his ninety three dayd long spring time hibernation.
"Jesus Christ! Old Man Cheng. Even your balls smell like Gaoliang."
After his ninety three day nap or hibernation, he still remembered where he put the last of his Gaoliang.
With one hand on his Dixie cup of Gaoliang, he suddenly saw one of his other enemies, Old Man Shu, the great Kung Fu teacher. Old Man Kung Shu was on top of the park bench twirling his sun umbrella like numchucks, when he used the umbrella to knock the Gaoliang right out of his nemesis' shaky right hand.
The Gaoliangard counter-punched with his viscous tongue.
"I hope your cat drinks all of your Gaoliang, Old Man!"
Bullshit News in Taiwan's lead reporter, Taipei Xavier's ears screeched in horror.
"Oh my God, he's going to spit big enough to drench the whole crowd."
Xavier sighed with relief.
"Thank God, he was just clearing his throat."
The silent wheels of a black and yellow mobility scooter creeped up behind the crowd. The driver shouted at the Gaoliangard.
"This year, you woke up ten minutes later than usual, 'ya bum!"
"I could have won 100 NT gambling on Checkers by now. "
"By the way , you have a DROOPY ASS, Old Man!"
The Gaoliangard still had enough battery power remaining on his hearing aid to hear his two-wheeled bully.
"Hey. I set the record this year for the most Gaoliang drank in a 24 hour period!"
"So, there's good reason why I am late."
He gritted his teeth as he prepared to sharpen his sexless tongue.
"By the way, your wife didn't think I have a droopy ass when she gave me a rim job last year!"
" Old Man!"
Old Lady Cheng, the drunkest one out of the whole clan, agitated the Gaoliangard further.
" I got a Karaoke date with my neighbor later, and I plan on getting lucky."
" I got non-droopy, old-man-ass to tongue"
" Make your decision!"
"Old Man."
Amidst the battle of 'You have a droopy ass' insults, a gentleman strutted to the front of the circle, with the assistance of his walker.
The man with the walker was Old Man Wu. He wanted to protect his sacred event. He initiated the local festival twenty five years ago after watching Eddie Murray's Groundhog Day, over fifty five times in one year at the movie theater. From there, he came up with Taiwan's version of Groundhog's Day with his fellow alcoholic pals.
" Ok my fellow toothless geezers, you know the deal!"
Old Lady Cheng quickly interrupted him.
"Your Old-Man Tits are so droopy, I'm surprised you don't trip over 'em."
Mr. Wu shocked all of his drinking buddies with his next move. He dove his hand into Old Lady Cheng's purse to steal her tapioca pudding. Then, he threw the carton of pudding as far as he could, and shouted at her.
" Walt Disney called, your titties are so droopy, they said your titties could be Dopey's honorary cousins, Droopy 1 and Droopy 2! Old Lady!"
Old Lady Cheng was too busy trying to get her pudding before it melted in the hot Taipei sun, that she didn't even have time for a comeback.
He hushed the crowd as he finished his very serious and stern message.
"We can not sway The Gaoliangard's opinion one bit. Give him five minutes to gather himself, as he has been asleep for a very long time now, and when he gets up, we will learn the fate of something very important, on this great island nation of Taiwan. "
With a break in the insults, The Gaoliangard went back to his chair that he had been sleeping on while sitting straight up on for the entire spring, and reached for his blue bath sandals at his feet.
The crowd got so quiet that a fart could be heard all the way from the North to the South of this three hundred and ninety for kilometer long nation.
He stumbled his way to his feet. He kicked the tree behind him.The crowd took this as a clue to his mood.
The silence of the crowd turned into an aura of confidence. If he was kicking the same tree that provided him shelter for the last ninety three days, they assumed he was preparing himself for an angry mood.
The circle of drunks elbowed each other in their neighbors' respective beer bellies.
"This is going to be a good year. I just know it"
The drunks erupted in cheers when he headed for Park Exit #2. Exit #2 leads to Zhonghshan Road. On Zhongshan Road, many vegetable vendors try to sell their produce every day. Since he was going this way while in a pissed off mood, everyone assumed he was going out there to harass vegetable sellers.
Taipei Xavier, our Bullshit News Reporter, verified the old peoples' guesses about the Gaoliangard's plans, when he asked him why he was walking towards Zhonghsan Road.
" My right knee felt like new when I woke up after my spring time hibernation today, so I knew right away that this meant we won't get a lot of typhoons this year."
"So, what in the world does the feeling you have in your right knee have to do with how many typhoons Taiwan will get in a year?"
"Well, you see, Typhoon Days are the ultimate days for me. Because, I have an excuse for unlimited bitching on Typhoon days about vegetable prices. So, if the feeling in my knee is telling me , we won't have a lot of typhoons this year, I hit the streets quickly, and get as much bitching in as I can about the vegetable prices, since I won't have as many opportunities later on in the year."
"Got it. Thanks for your time, Mr. Gaoliangard."
On the other hand, if the Galiongard would have went out Exit #1, that would have meant he was going to hang out with granddaughter. This was because the feeling in his knee was telling him Taiwan was going to have a lot of typhoons, and he could pace his bitching about vegetable prices.
Reporter Taipei Xavier continued to follow the crowd, as they propped the Gaoliangard onto the roof of one of the men's mobility scooters. They were so excited that he was predicting a non-busy year for typhoons that they started a chant in his honor. They went from hating him, to total admiration of the man that delivered them the great news.
"No typhoons, No typhoons.
Gaoliangard's ass,
perky, perky, perky."
There may even be an elderly romance in the making. Old Lady Cheng kissed him on the cheek when he took a mild spill from the roof of the mobility scooter. The tumble came when the driver farted so violently that it shook the roof of the vehicle. She whispered in his ear.
"Young Man. Mr. Wu may have tried to take my last pudding. But, don't you worry your perky little ass, I got more pudding back at my place. You wanna come over and share it with me? Maybe I could spread it on your perky ass"
"By the way, I have always thought you had the perkiest ass in our group."
The festival godfather, Mr. Wu, gave our reporters one last quote.
"Yep, the Gaoliangard has been right for 24 years in a row. If I could take the money in my allowance for gambling on checkers, I would bet Taiwan has less than three typhoons this year."
Bullshit News in Taiwan offers our sincerest condolences to Old Lady Cheng's neighbor since she stood him up on their date.
The neighbor seemed to be in good spirits when Taipei Xavier asked if he planned on rescheduling their date.
"I don't think so, because now I know something about her. She's a dirty whore."
However, we would like to offer congratulations to Mr. Wu on another successful Gaoliangard's Day.
Gan Bei!
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