Taiwan Owes Me A Thank You
An Open Letter to Taiwan's President, Tsai Ing-Wen
Dear Ms.Ing-Wen,
You have two days to thank me for Taiwan's recent recognition as an up-and-coming travel destination. Appropriate gifts would either be closing the stinky tofu stand near my house, or a job. I suppose I could settle for Chinese lessons from the Island's most beautiful woman instead; although my Chinese is nearly impeccable. You see. My Mandarin is so good I can even order food without one of my many of Taiwanese friends. I will show you one of my secrets to success. I make a noise that sounds precisely like a chicken, when I want to eat chicken. My ordering of chicken could be captured on paper like this,"Bak-bak-bak, chicken!" I also have learned to use my arms to flap like a chicken when ordering chicken. This trick improves my chances, of getting chicken. I hold very serious intelligence.
I strongly urge you for the sake of your country to pay up on this long over-due debt of gratitude.Thailand, will lose its finest expat if you do not meet this demand. The Taiwan Ministry of Tourism has certainly heard the news that Taiwan was recently voted the ninth best place to travel in 2019 by Globespots.com This can only be attributed to, me. Don't waste your time in arguing that it is due to cities like Tainan putting a high emphasis on making English an official second language in Taiwan.
You see something, Miss Ing-Wen. I have lived in Linnei,Taiwan, for the last nine days. The children in the village can certainly attest to the dramatic improvement of their lives since my arrival. One of my many admirers, Workshop Willy, said, "Yes-uh," when someone asked him in Mandarin if he is happier since I came to Linnei. If you needed further proof of the revitalization in Linnei, there is at least a fifty-fifty chance that another student of mine might say the same thing. I forget this student's name.
Life in Linnei, for these once-deprived children really changed, when I stepped on the basketball court. I managed to put on what could only be called a dunking exhibition on the seven and a half-foot high basketball net. Stephen Curry would surely have been jealous if he saw my slams.
This extremely high net was no match for a man of such dominating physical prowess like myself. I even dunked over a first grade girl, named Apple. I refrained myself, from roaring like a bear after the dunk. This is because I am also a man of great sportsmanship. You can certainly expect an influx of tourism for people wanting to watch me dunk over small children with such honorable sportsmanship.
After the magical display of dunking over students, the entire village lined up in seek of high fives. This shows how marvelous the dunks were. This even included some of the students' grandparents. I issued so many high-fives that my obscenely strong hands actually began to experience pain.
You need not worry that your island's greatest expat was in serious physical danger. I used my razor-sharp mind, to prevent any possibility of injuring my precious dunking hands further. I employed a game American fathers call, 'High-five,Low-five, You're too slow.' The low-fives slowed down the impact on my hands from having to issue so many high-fives. This is because my opponents, did not even have the slightest chance of catching up to me to tap my hand for the low-five I did face danger of losing my voice from screaming too many times after victory, "You're too slow!" It takes many years of training to dominate like I do at this game. I have openings in my schedule if you seek training at how to master this game yourself. Do not however expect to ever be able to beat me at this event.
Not only did I destroy those kids and grandparents at high-five low-five you're too slow last week, I was also undefeated last Wednesday afternoon at Paper-Scissor-Stone. The average human does not consider PSS a game of athletics. That is only because my ability to wait until my opponents chose their action and react is so keen. I showcase these skills on my tips-to-be more-like-me video, on my YouTube Channel.
You don't have to panic about the idea of needing to frantically scour the Internet in attempts of finding this video. You can YouTube, "How to Be More Like Me." I come up as #159,555 in the search results. I am sure you are wondering how I have such precise Internet research skills. You see. I am not only athletic, smart, and very sportsmanship-oriented. I am also an astute business man.I received an MBA from a prestigious Online university, University of Phoenix.
On that fateful day in Linnei, my athletic dominance did not stop with an undefeated day of High-Five Low Five You're Too Slow, a slam dunk competition, and a Paper Scissor Stone Massacre. I am sure it will be of a surprise to you that one of the children actually dared to challenge me at another game that day. Kids will be kids I suppose. Brave, but not always realistic. One of these brave students had the extreme nerve of challenging me to a race on the playground slides. The kid actually thought she could go down the slide faster than me. I even let this poor naïve soul, Dora, take the much slicker slide on the right hand side to give her a chance at winning. I slid down twice before she even got halfway down the greasy right side. Her lame excuse afterwords was she saw a butterfly when it came time to push herself down the slide. I eventually grew tired of winning at everything. I decided to challenge the adults at other sports.
Needless to say, Old Man Wu, did not stand a chance when I challenged him to a pat-off. Some of my American friends may not know what a pat-off is. That is when I challenged Old Man Wu to see who could pat their arms longer. This is an activity that elderly Taiwanese do in the parks in Taiwan. I patted my arms for twenty-seven minutes straight without even blinking. Old Man Wu dropped out at the point. He said, "You.Very good-lah."
I do applaud your recognition of my greatness, by reading this far. Now, you must meet, for the good of Thailand, the debt I mentioned earlier. You have to acknowledge the reason for your country's expected rise in tourism in 2019. The travelers to Thailand will not trot off to Thailand's touristy places like, Taipei 101, The Taipei Zoo, Yangminshan National Park, and The Taipei National Palace Museum. They will clearly be coming to see me, in action.
We have already established my physical skills, my sportsmanship, and my professional Marketing skills. We now must discuss more reasons why you owe me an official Thank You. This is because of my generosity. I am so generous that I even give my time. Needles to mention, I clearly have an extremely busy social schedule here in Linnei, Taiwan I have actually taken the time out of my busy social schedule to prepare the fourth grade class at Linnei to get slaughtered by me at Tag when the tourists come charging into Linnei later this year.
I urge you to do the correct thing for your country, Miss Ying-Wen. Thank me by either closing down the Stinky Tofu stand by my house, or getting me a paid job. The school I mentioned has talked about a lawsuit if they see me again. Otherwise, I will take my talents elsewhere if I don't get my Thank You.
Yours Truly:
One Awesome Expat
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| Travel to Taiwan to Witness Excellence |
Dear Ms.Ing-Wen,
You have two days to thank me for Taiwan's recent recognition as an up-and-coming travel destination. Appropriate gifts would either be closing the stinky tofu stand near my house, or a job. I suppose I could settle for Chinese lessons from the Island's most beautiful woman instead; although my Chinese is nearly impeccable. You see. My Mandarin is so good I can even order food without one of my many of Taiwanese friends. I will show you one of my secrets to success. I make a noise that sounds precisely like a chicken, when I want to eat chicken. My ordering of chicken could be captured on paper like this,"Bak-bak-bak, chicken!" I also have learned to use my arms to flap like a chicken when ordering chicken. This trick improves my chances, of getting chicken. I hold very serious intelligence.
I strongly urge you for the sake of your country to pay up on this long over-due debt of gratitude.Thailand, will lose its finest expat if you do not meet this demand. The Taiwan Ministry of Tourism has certainly heard the news that Taiwan was recently voted the ninth best place to travel in 2019 by Globespots.com This can only be attributed to, me. Don't waste your time in arguing that it is due to cities like Tainan putting a high emphasis on making English an official second language in Taiwan.
You see something, Miss Ing-Wen. I have lived in Linnei,Taiwan, for the last nine days. The children in the village can certainly attest to the dramatic improvement of their lives since my arrival. One of my many admirers, Workshop Willy, said, "Yes-uh," when someone asked him in Mandarin if he is happier since I came to Linnei. If you needed further proof of the revitalization in Linnei, there is at least a fifty-fifty chance that another student of mine might say the same thing. I forget this student's name.
Life in Linnei, for these once-deprived children really changed, when I stepped on the basketball court. I managed to put on what could only be called a dunking exhibition on the seven and a half-foot high basketball net. Stephen Curry would surely have been jealous if he saw my slams.
This extremely high net was no match for a man of such dominating physical prowess like myself. I even dunked over a first grade girl, named Apple. I refrained myself, from roaring like a bear after the dunk. This is because I am also a man of great sportsmanship. You can certainly expect an influx of tourism for people wanting to watch me dunk over small children with such honorable sportsmanship.
After the magical display of dunking over students, the entire village lined up in seek of high fives. This shows how marvelous the dunks were. This even included some of the students' grandparents. I issued so many high-fives that my obscenely strong hands actually began to experience pain.
You need not worry that your island's greatest expat was in serious physical danger. I used my razor-sharp mind, to prevent any possibility of injuring my precious dunking hands further. I employed a game American fathers call, 'High-five,Low-five, You're too slow.' The low-fives slowed down the impact on my hands from having to issue so many high-fives. This is because my opponents, did not even have the slightest chance of catching up to me to tap my hand for the low-five I did face danger of losing my voice from screaming too many times after victory, "You're too slow!" It takes many years of training to dominate like I do at this game. I have openings in my schedule if you seek training at how to master this game yourself. Do not however expect to ever be able to beat me at this event.
Not only did I destroy those kids and grandparents at high-five low-five you're too slow last week, I was also undefeated last Wednesday afternoon at Paper-Scissor-Stone. The average human does not consider PSS a game of athletics. That is only because my ability to wait until my opponents chose their action and react is so keen. I showcase these skills on my tips-to-be more-like-me video, on my YouTube Channel.
You don't have to panic about the idea of needing to frantically scour the Internet in attempts of finding this video. You can YouTube, "How to Be More Like Me." I come up as #159,555 in the search results. I am sure you are wondering how I have such precise Internet research skills. You see. I am not only athletic, smart, and very sportsmanship-oriented. I am also an astute business man.I received an MBA from a prestigious Online university, University of Phoenix.
On that fateful day in Linnei, my athletic dominance did not stop with an undefeated day of High-Five Low Five You're Too Slow, a slam dunk competition, and a Paper Scissor Stone Massacre. I am sure it will be of a surprise to you that one of the children actually dared to challenge me at another game that day. Kids will be kids I suppose. Brave, but not always realistic. One of these brave students had the extreme nerve of challenging me to a race on the playground slides. The kid actually thought she could go down the slide faster than me. I even let this poor naïve soul, Dora, take the much slicker slide on the right hand side to give her a chance at winning. I slid down twice before she even got halfway down the greasy right side. Her lame excuse afterwords was she saw a butterfly when it came time to push herself down the slide. I eventually grew tired of winning at everything. I decided to challenge the adults at other sports.
Needless to say, Old Man Wu, did not stand a chance when I challenged him to a pat-off. Some of my American friends may not know what a pat-off is. That is when I challenged Old Man Wu to see who could pat their arms longer. This is an activity that elderly Taiwanese do in the parks in Taiwan. I patted my arms for twenty-seven minutes straight without even blinking. Old Man Wu dropped out at the point. He said, "You.Very good-lah."
I do applaud your recognition of my greatness, by reading this far. Now, you must meet, for the good of Thailand, the debt I mentioned earlier. You have to acknowledge the reason for your country's expected rise in tourism in 2019. The travelers to Thailand will not trot off to Thailand's touristy places like, Taipei 101, The Taipei Zoo, Yangminshan National Park, and The Taipei National Palace Museum. They will clearly be coming to see me, in action.
We have already established my physical skills, my sportsmanship, and my professional Marketing skills. We now must discuss more reasons why you owe me an official Thank You. This is because of my generosity. I am so generous that I even give my time. Needles to mention, I clearly have an extremely busy social schedule here in Linnei, Taiwan I have actually taken the time out of my busy social schedule to prepare the fourth grade class at Linnei to get slaughtered by me at Tag when the tourists come charging into Linnei later this year.
I urge you to do the correct thing for your country, Miss Ying-Wen. Thank me by either closing down the Stinky Tofu stand by my house, or getting me a paid job. The school I mentioned has talked about a lawsuit if they see me again. Otherwise, I will take my talents elsewhere if I don't get my Thank You.
Yours Truly:
One Awesome Expat
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