A Tuesday Hike Gone Wrong in Taiwan

Loving My Travels Through Japan, Hong Kong , Thailand, & The Mexican Riviera

   I consider myself a God when it comes to travel. The tattoo guy in Japan once told me, " Don't worry. This character means Trust." I bravely responded, "Ok, let's get two tattoos then." I now have Japanese tattoos on both of my shoulders. I know from my first-hand adventures that Google Maps works in Mexico, Asia, and many more continents. One Uber driver in Thailand even took the time to write a review about what a wonderful Uber customer I am, " This customer was so wonderful. He paid his bill without giving me any trouble. I would definitely pick him up again. "  I  received this very personalized e-mail from the CEO of ClubMed Cruises,"Congratulations! You can give us $5,000 for a three day cruise in The Mexican Riviera. This comes with a free Hawaiian T-shirt."

  If this wasn't all enough to prove my travel accomplishments to you, I even once went snorkeling in Thailand. The guide told me after our excursion,"You can definitely join the trip again especially if you have the money."  I decided to make travel more of a challenge in 2016 since I was such an Ace. I started traveling with my dearest pal,Uno the Cat. I found Uno outside of a hotel in Mexico City. Uno is the word for two in Spanish for those of you with inferior language skills than myself.

   I have paid a bill of sacrifice for such a wonderful life filled with so many excursions. Troubles of jealousy started when I reached the once unthinkably epic milestone of collecting passport stamps from ten different countries.My three friends in America now tell Uno the Cat & I, "I have a lot of laundry to do,"  every time we propose a Skype date. I don't take much offense to this. I know that they wish they knew what it is like to wander the world.

   Netizens became extremely envious when Uno The Cat & I touched foreign soil for the tenth time. The picture of the two of us enjoying a bubble bath in the Hong Kong Marriott nearly broke the Internet. We reached the elusive half-century mark in Instagram followers that day.  A nineteen year old Taiwanese girl with the Instagram username of CutePussyinTaipei became so resentful of our celebratory picture that she commented, "Hong Kong is only the ninth country that you two lovers have been to." I can assure you that my passport has ten stamps. CutepussyinTaipei will have her day in court with Uno the Cat & I for such a viscous defamation of our character.

  Please do not worry that my extreme awesomeness has been even slightly derailed by these villains of envy. I continue to become great at speaking the language in the countries I visit. I currently can ask  "Where is the bathroom," in three different languages. On a 2011 trip to Beijing, I even asked for the bathroom in Pig Latin when the waiter somehow did not understand my flawless Mandarin. "hereWa sia heta athroomba?" My companion that even dared to argue that this event did not demonstrate my competence in a fourth language said "The  waiter only understood you because you were dancing around like you had to go to the bathroom." Jealous Hater!

Two Gypsies Find a Job in Taiwan

   Nomadic Souls like Uno The Cat & I are sometimes forced to take a break from our journey. I assure you that the momentary pause is only due to monetary concerns.We have recently taken jobs in Linnei,Taiwan. A local elementary school here has the fortune of receiving my services as an English teacher. I have showed those children many of slideshows of my journeys. Uno the Cat has taken a job as  security guard of my precious travel pictures. I offer extra tuna every time he goes a day without getting any cat fur on the pictures. Our village,Linnei, is a tiny farming village that is famous island-wide for its sweet Mangoes.

    I will even offer you some professional travel advice on how to purchase these juicy and delicious Mangoes from road-side farmers. You start by using your hand to point at the box of Mangoes. Then, you use your fingers to indicate how many boxes of Mangoes you wish to purchase. Then, you pay them the money. Feel fortunate for this insider's guide to buying Mangoes abroad.

  If you download my most recent podcast for a low price of $19.99, you can even learn the special hand signal for the number six here in Taiwan.

  I pass further knowledge to you. The Taiwanese retired people in this village love to go to the nearby Longkuong Mountain for a hike, and some light exercise. You will soon be in agreement that these vile creatures must find another place to pass their endless amounts of free time.

How The Hike Went Wrong

 On a beautiful Tuesday afternoon, I stationed myself on the summit of this mountain for some exemplary journal writing. I had all the company I wanted. This came in the form of my feline companion Uno the Cat. He also enjoyed the walk up  on his forty foot leash. My cat hikes better than most of the four-legged hikers in the area.

  I assure you that the scribbling in my notebook included some astonishingly insightful notations of my world travels such as:

“I have traveled most of the world. In Mongolia, there is an orange flower that you can see everywhere. These flowers smell very sweet. I will now coin the term, Sweet Mongolian flowers.”

   No other traveler could have possibly offered such a remarkable connection between the scent of Mongolia’s flowers, and the name that flower should be called. It takes years of travel to become that intuitive with the land of foreign countries. 

   I advanced my prideful journaling activity forward in hunt of a joke. I now unveil my second victory of the day to my adoring readers.

“I am here in Linnei, Taiwan, at 2:37 on a Tuesday afternoon with Uno. We finished this massive five hundred feet high mountain in record time. I can now hear the garbage truck coming from the city. The truck is playing what sounds like Ice Cream music. I remembered the time that the University of Florida baseball team made the news in Taipei when they came to play in the World Games. The entire team was found running down the street in hopes of buying some Ice Cream.  It was really the garbage truck. The joke. Hmm.. Got it. What’s the saddest day for a foreigner that comes to Taiwan? The day that they find out the Ice Cream Man in Taiwan is actually the Garbage Man. Hahaha ” I paused to absorb my laughter from the joke.

I Had To Say Uncle- He Was a Violent Baboon

  Rage suddenly replaced my chuckles. A Taiwanese grandpa stationed himself at the outdoor pull-up bars less than twenty meters from my work station.  He banged out some jumping jacks. He had the nerve to blast his Taiwanese love songs in the middle of my writing time.

  I confronted the perpetrator of my precious quiet zone. I poked his chest with my finger. From there, I commenced thrashing him with my tongue in English , "What kind of an inconsiderate baboon are you? Don't you know I have been to ten countries? I demand silence while I am out here writing down these memories." He suddenly hammered me with a surprise left-hand hook. 

  I fell to my back. He took this inopportune time to straddle my face. He proceeded to jam a pile of sweet-smelling orange flowers deep up my nostrils. They smelled just like the flowers I just wrote about in Mongolia. I could also smell the Beetle Nut in between his teeth as he rubbed his coarse whiskers against my face. He desperately wanted me to give up. I yelled for Uno, my alleged security guard, "Sick em! Uno! Sick 'em!" Uno just laid on his back and waited for belly rubs.

   He resumed his jumping jacks after he accepted my shouting of "Uncle! Uncle!" Of course, I yelled  this in Mandarin. He switched his music from Taiwanese live songs to Michael Jackson's "I'm A Smooth Criminal." Yes, you are a left hook-throwing whisker-rubbing criminal, Mister Wu. 

  We went our separate ways  Uno and I went for a Skype date with Mom. He went to the local Seven-Eleven for an Orange-flavored Ice Cream bar.


*****P.S.- Our friend Uno the Cat, and the narrator are mostly fictional characters meant for enjoyment.However, Taiwan faces a huge problem of keeping its dogs and cats safe and healthy here in Taiwan, The dogs, especially, are faced with a dangerous issue of getting their limbs maimed by barbaric traps in the jungle. I strongly urge you to consider supporting ACT. This is an organization of Animal Lovers who work diligently to help solve this crisis. You can learn more in the link above on how to donate, volunteer, or sponsor an animal to help fund their work.****