The Most Mundane Commentary Ever: On Buying Gas in Taiwan,& Holidays

Time Abroad in Taiwan: Where Does It Go? 

The first ten pages of the Western calendar year of 2018, have already been tacked to the back of a wall for some time now. Well, for those that are still tacking calendars like Grammy, your calendar has been promptly resting on the month of November for twenty two days now. Many of us expats who started the year here in Taiwan have experienced Chinese New Year, and can safely order a coffee in Mandarin by now. Lonely Grandmothers of our Expat and nomadic souls all over the world are mumbling to TV's in empty rooms, "Boy oh boy. Where did the time go this year? It's already Christmas time. I guess Johnny won't make it for Christmas this year.  I wish Johnny never would have even went to that damn China. "  Grammy Smith makes these insight-lacking comments while rest-assured there is a calendar somewhere in her house tacked all the way up to November, 22.

 On this Ihla Formosa, I do not offer over-whelming confidence that more than a hand-full of expats are still X-ing off the passing days on a wall-sized calendar with a black Sharpie in their tiny Taiwan apartments somewhere. This method of keeping time has sadly been outdated; even though nearly every person who has walked this planet still uses Granny Smith's quote of, "Where did the time go this year?" 

I must offer a confession before we get to today's boring-ass topic, gas. I detest the quote, "Where did the time go?" My annoyance with people using this particular phrase often escalates to levels of me fantasizing about cooking the offender on an American gas grill for a delicious BBQ lunch of bones and flesh; and possibly some turkey to throw on the fire.

Expats in Taiwan: How Dare You Accuse Me of Living in a Small Apartment

Above this picture, I made the unfair assumption about apartment sizes among the expat community in Taiwan with devious intentions. Past experience of unfairly categorizing a person into what kind of apartment they live in can be considered a most hellish of all hellish insults. Added scorn can be jabbed into the heart of anyone living abroad who faces this unjust accusation. This all seems completely absurd to me.  And, if I am taking hours out of my day to write about gas, I must at least get a laugh at the idea of people getting angry over a blog entry about buying gas in Taiwan & Holidays. 

If you're normal enough to not let this kind of accusation bother you, I applaud your ability to only fight battles worth fighting. On the other hand,  to let this scorn you, seems as bizarre as being scorned by how Taiwanese people love to comment on the nose sizes of foreigners. This island offers so many other interesting sights, sounds, and smells, that one can delight in; instead of being occupied by what kind of apartment you lay your head down in at night. We all have that right however to perk our shoulders high in a conversation about our apartment sizes. I also urge the haters to show your face with an angry selfie from your big-ass apartment in the comments section.

A much more realistic expected outcome than the comments section being flooded with bird-flipping selfies however; will probably be that my blessed protesters will demonstrate in silence; which will be demonstrated by formerly faithful readers abandoning this piece and launching themselves into more inspiring reading. 

I still hear your silence. I hear it as was an owl can hear a cricket masturbating in a room full of aweful jokesters. 

My sincerest hope is that those who do abandon this uninspiring work do find something more exciting than this greatly mundane tale about buying gas in Taiwan, and holidays. My heart-felt wish for them to find other prosperous reading is because this tale will only climax in what it is like to fill up your gas tank in Taiwan. I know that most people reading this will already have experienced this painfully uneventful part of life.

The Queer Things We Do On The Holidays in Taiwan and at Home

The holiday season elicits the queerest of actions for so many people. My experience has also showed me that we act even stranger when we are away from home during the holiday season. I don't think it matters if you are out of the country, or out of your state. You can still expect the looniest of decisions to be made around this time of the year. In my twenty's, I can remember eating Mac and Cheese on Christmas dinner with one buddy; as two unified Scrooges under the Arizona sky, at his pool. I can also remember being nearly blacked out drunk on top of that same AZ sky; while on a flight back to my hometown of Nazareth, PA, on Christmas night.

A further reflection of past Thanksgiving and Christmases helps me to think of a much more interesting story than me being drunk on a plane. This event came at the misfortune of one of the guys in our circle of friends. My hunch now that I am about ten years wiser is that the victim simply handled missing home with a little more difficultly than the rest of us did that year. His already depressed heaving portions of emotion probably led him into a fateful  argument with our entire party after the Turkey dinner that year, and his ensuing meltdown of Herculues-sized proportions.

  

Things reached a head in the argument with him taking all of the silverware out of my friend's kitchen, and placing it all into that same friend's back yard. I would love to say that we were genuinely concerned for his well-being at the time. But, come on. A grown ass man showing his anger by taking all of another grown ass man's kitchen supplies out onto his patio. If you don't think that's funny to watch, you need to reconsider your priorities.

 Ridiculous holiday moments like that one are what makes the holidays digestible in my opinion. In the spirit of giving thanks to some of the absurd stuff that only comes from great friends and family, I have taken just as absurd of a stance on something as ludicrous as a grown man launching another grown man's silverware onto his patio. The issue being addressed today is how ridiculously fast Taiwanese gas station attendants get your gas tank filled here in Taiwan.

Lightning Fast Gas Taiwanese Gas Station Attendants

To my adoring readers here on our beloved Ihla Formosa, please do tell me if I am wrong in my analysis. I use the term adoring expecting no greater quantity than three of you to be in accordance.  But, I have never seen a place in all my worldly travels that regularly fills your gas as quick as they do here.

A trip to get some gas typically goes a bit like this. Before I further fuel your minds with this incredibly boring analysis, let me offer some advanced apologies if I have not successfully recorded all of the details in this mundanest of mundane duties of filling gas; with 100 percent accuracy. My excuse is that I would never be bold enough to take up the extra time needed to accurately record all the events at the pump for fear of my life. We are dealing with professionally fast individuals at the pumps who are seemingly on a mission.

I'm quite certain an act so bold as taking extra time from these ultra-fast warriors of the Taiwan gas pumps, would call for a very tough punishment from the Lord of the gas stations. I further hypothesize that the punishment for any would be assailants would of course be harsh, but not harsh enough to leave any perpetrators with any long-term physical or emotional damage. By this, I offer the example that I do not suspect that the gas station Lords would punish offenders something as cruel as a public flogging. I more closely suspect a punishment to cause hilarity could actually serve up the correct dose of severity in this case. From a past experience as a witness, I know of the great roars of laughter one particular act that can only be performed within the confines of gas station. That would entail the punishee driving a convertible with the top down in this station's car wash. I haven't seen this act happen to anyone in nearly two decades; nor do I ever remember hearing a group of grown and serious men laugh as loudly as they did when one of the car washers I managed at Hertz Rent A Car made this mistake during a Tuesday night shift.

You can wager a month's salary, after taxes of course; with the same confidence that Mom will bake you a Pumpkin Pie on Thanksgiving dinner; that no less than two eager bodies will be there to anxiously guide you into the pump upon your arrival to all gas stations in Taiwan; as if you weren't going to be able to find the first available pump on your own. Your request for the amount and the type of fuel you desire will be confirmed at least two to three times before you have time to dislodge your scooter helmet from your head.

Surer than that same Pumpkin Pie we wagered on earlier, the workers will commence lucid fantasies about life on the lot without you before you can even get off your scooter to let them fill up. Their alliance will only strengthen, if you stumble even for just a split second, as you attempt to perform your required duty of getting the tank open for them. With an open gas tank, they will know they are cruising for the homestretch of Operation Get You Off Their Lot. One person will fill the gas as the other one stands about six inches away; ready to be put in the game of filling your tank if their buddy were to be unable to fulfill his or her service to you.

From there, the worker in the little white booth behind you will also become involved in this fiesta. This person will prop their head out of their white booth as the two other team members will be rapidly approaching the end of their relationship with you. This little white booth will remind any East Coasters of the days of flipping quarters as a child at the NJ Turnpike booth guy. However, this Taiwanese person seems to be slightly less depressed than his fellow guy in a booth counterparts on the other side of the world. The team member will punch the correct numbers on the cash register upon command. That is so you can be promptly handed your receipt and they can all assist in getting you off their lot.

If you're wondering what happens on a slow day at the pumps, I'm afraid my fingers don't have the remaining strength left to lay out the boring details of this particular task. You will have to trust me that your time on the lot will be even shorter. On a slow day, the amount of gas pumpers can often total more than the amount of players that my favorite football team, the Washington Redskins, will lace up on offense tomorrow against the Dallas Cowboys for their annual Turkey Day showdown.

On Thanksgiving day, I offer you eternal gratitude if you have read this far.

In addition, consider this information not to be a complaint. It is a pre-Thanksgiving day bit of gratitude about one of the more efficient aspects of life in Taiwan:)

P.S.- If you know other souls in need of reading something completely boring on this already depressing day away from loved one , please feel free to share. Happy Thanksgiving!

P.P.S- Did you get annoyed by the photos taken from the Internet? They are legally used from Pexels.com.