Bombshell Allegations About Trump's Not So Sweet Love Life

***CNN Breaking News -- Bombshell Allegations About Trump's Not So Sweet Love Life ***

These transcripts were transcribed from CNN's daily program 'The Lead With Jake Tapper,' on 1/04/2018.

Jake Tapper- "Good evening ladies and gentleman. This, day 339 of the embattled Presidency of Republican president Donald Trump. It was a day that barely passed as believable. The day started with a belch heard around the world from White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and ended with a story of the First Couple's marital issues being leaked to the press.

It really should have been a routine day for the White House. They only had a few run of the mill items on the docket to attend to. However, the morning presser started in sharp contrast from its usual somewhat monotonous style of beginning formalities. Instead of starting with the usual news and notes, Sarah Huckabee Sanders apparently started with a giggle, a belch, and a wipe of a suspected milk mustache from her upper lip. At least, that is what I am being told. I am hoping this is a joke;to be honest.

Let's go live to CNN's Senior White House Correspondent, Jim Acosta, from outside the White House Rose Garden on Capitol Hill for more on this remarkable day

Jake Tapper- "Good Evening Jim. What in the world is going on? "

Jim Acosta- "Hard to say Jake. Really difficult to even put words on today."

Jake Tapper- Ok Jim, can you start by telling our viewers about the morning presser with Sarah Huckabee Sanders?

Jim Acosta - "Yes indeed Jake. Although we have come to expect the unexpected with this White House. This day set an all new precedent.White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders came to the podium this morning wearing a Christmas sweater with first place potential at an Ugly Christmas Sweater Christmas party. Now, that was certainly weird for the usually conservative Press Secretary. Also, let's not forget that Christmas has already passed us. However, things quickly got even kookier. I felt elbows nudging me on both sides; as my fellow reporters and I had realized that Mrs. Sanders had what appeared to be a milk mustache imprinted above the lip-stick on her upper lip"

Jake Tapper- " Now wait a second Jim. Do you honestly believe that she had a milk mustache on top of her lip during the Friday morning presser? Wouldn't that be a PR nightmare for her make-up artists?"

Jim Acosta- " I'm telling you Jake. She might as well have been dunking Christmas cookies in a big glass of milk resting on the usually vacant right side of the Press Secretary's podium.

Jake Tapper - After glancing over his right shoulder, "I'm just going to say it. Are you effing kidding me?"

A chorus of bleeps and 'Woh's' from the CNN producers ensued.

Jim Acosta- "I'm not kidding ya Jake. Our suspicions became a reality before I had time to defend myself from another round of elbow nudges from my colleagues on both sides of me. The nudges commenced for the second time when Mrs. Sanders belched like she had just swallowed a gallon of milk. Then, she laughed like a small school girl as she bashfully wiped away the milk mustache on her upper lip. We were all stunned . First, the milk mustache. Then, the belch., all the while, giggling away. It was like we were in the Twilight Zone.

Jake Tapper- Tapper now has both of his hands pressed against his cheeks, and mouth wide open as he listens.

"Ok Jim. So, Mrs Sanders started the Friday morning press conference with a belch, a wipe of her milk-mustache, and a giggle. When are you going to tell us that this is an early April Fool's joke, Jim?"

Jim Acosta- " If I may, I will keep going Jake. Mrs. Sanders quickly launched into a confession that she had just eaten some of the POTUS Christmas cookies before coming out to meet with us this morning. All eyes fell on the usually stern-faced Mrs. Sanders as she described in remarkable detail how well those same cookies went with a glass of milk.. Sarah continued by digging her hand into her breast pocket to pull out a pile of yellow note cards with red and green pen marks on the cards. .

With a room over-flowing in anticipation of Mrs. Sanders next words, she began to read what turned out to be a series of reviews from fellow Trump cabinet members that had just attended a surprise late-Christmas party thrown by the President.

She proceeded to read the first review:

From your AG, Jeff Sessions."I do not recall ever in my 27 years of serving this great country of the United States of America tasting a finer batch of cookies. They oughta be called mind-erasers. I can't even remember where I parked my car now."

When we thought she couldn't possibly find another review card, Mrs. Sanders found one more card that she had missed. And, what a card it was. This one came from former White House Director of Communications. The one and only, The Mooch.

" Mr. President, your cookies are so good that they could make every 13 year old boy's childhood dream of sucking his own *ock vanish into mid air if they were able to get their grubby *ucking hands on your cookies. Muah.

P.S- You tell anybody who doesn't like your cookies that they are a f---ing schizaphrenic, a paranoid f---ing cookie-hating scizaphrenic. You got that? Besides, who doesn't like cookies?Yours truly, The Mooch."

Jake Tapper- " Ok. Jim. But, I thought the president fired the Mooch? Oh, whatever. Why would I ask questions? Please continue with this story. "

Jim Acosta- "Well, as we all know Jake. The Mooch loves to Smooch the POTUS' rear end any time he can. If the insanity of the morning press conference wasn't enough, we got word of some bombshell allegations of happenings in and around the First Couple's bedroom; of all things. Some of our sources from the White House allegedly over-heard Trump shouting at Melania; "If you don't start telling more people that I make the best Christmas cookies, I'm going to make you lick the sprinkles from my hairy ass-hole tonight."

Jake Tapper- "Ah, who cares. What the FUCK??"

Jim Acosta- " Be careful there Jake. You might be buying the FCC Christmas cookies for the next decade with the heavy fines they could lay on you."

Jake Tapper- "My excuse is pretty damn good. Anyway, go ahead Jim."

Jim Acosta- Sorry Jake. I just have one more item to add to my reporting tonight. Just as I was about to get in my car to go for a light dinner before I came on the air with you tonight, I saw a giant head of white floppy hair flowing in the wind, and also heard the awkwardly heavy breathing to match the frantic state of this old man's hair. It turned out that it was none other than Mr. Bernie Sanders. He insisted on giving me his comments about the cookie incident from the morning presser, and even went on to talk about the First Couple.

After I told him, I'm in a hurry. Mr. Sanders interjected with, "Yeah, so what That's not so bad that Sarah Sanders was a bit un-lady like this morning at the press conference. And, who really cares if Trump wants the First Lady to tell more people how good his cookies are. A little weird. But, I like when my wife brags about my cookies too. I don't leave any sprinkles on my hairy asshole for her to eat though. That's because I would let the middle class lick my ass, even before my wife. Anyway, every man loves to hear their wives bragging about some kind of skill that they have. What I tell you what was disgusting about today, you know who didn't get any of Trump's cookies? The poor people. They would have loved a batch of Trump cookies, and a glass of milk to go with them.But, you know where Trump took the left-over cookies after our meeting today. He headed right to downtown D.C. to give away the rest of his cookies to a pack of greedy CEO'S. If I know Trump, I bet he probably even found a way to claim the cost of ingredients on his taxes. "

Jake Tapper- JIm. You make me want to drink.

Jim Acosta- Best of New Year's to you too Jim.

Jake Tapper-Well, there you have it ladies and gents.
Don't forget about tomorrow morning Tune into CNN New Day with Chris Cuomo at 6 a.m. White House Counselor, Kelly Ann Connway, is one of the expected guests.

If you don't have the desire to wake up that early, you can expect this rundown of events to happen; Chris Cuomo will launch into a cheerful greeting of, "Kelly Ann Connway, great to have you with us. Wishing you the happiest of New Year days to you and your loved ones."

The belated and fake Happy New Year Greetings will soon turn to debauchery. Our guess would be that you could expect the first three minutes to be nothing more than the two of them trying to talk over each other; without a single word being clearly understood during this seasaw battle of talking over each other.. Cuomo will eventually overpower the weakened Connway. She will then respond like a child with tourette's syndrome as she spurts out random stats on CNN"s declining viewer ratings.

Fuck this. I'm outta here.