Little Richard & Jose Canseco Ruff Ride it to Jinfeng Hot Spring in Taitung Taiwan

---Things to note---

--àGPS Parking ( 22.59178, 120.93871)

-------àBring beer (Bar Beer ok to drink since you're not at the bar)

-----------------------à 45 minute drive from Taimali train station via scooter ( Don't be a dick. I don't know the exact time.)

---------------------------- > The hike- none

---------------------------------àIt rains a lot here

--------------------------------------> Non-nature shit really sucks around here

George W. Bush might have been being attacked by an Iraqi reporter’s shoes (spark memory here) the last time Jose Canseco caught a fly ball. Well, that is a fly ball that didn’t bounce off his head and into the stands for a home run. (see here)  

What's up with the pointless references?

Here is another completely worthless reference.. In Taiwan, nobody usually hits a fly ball past the pitcher in P.E. class since they play with tees all the way to sixth grade. .

Ridiculous!!!!

Seriously, T-ball in 6th grade!!!

Maybe,  mommies don't want one of their precious boys to get stomped in the family jewels during P.E. class. No, don't only blame the mommy.  

You may scape-goat the whole country that a generation of Hello Kitty adoring men are raised. Mommies only add fuel to the fire. 

How cute!

Before we meet Jose Canseco in Taiwan, you need to meet Richard, the school tough guy, the school cool kid. Actually, you really don't need to meet him. Well, he is named Richard.

He can usually be seen either behind a group of boys trying to bear-hug them, or with his hands on his junk. His flaming bright pink windbreaker that he wears to school every day, should be evidence enough that the dude acts gayer than a three dollar bill.

Richard still gets to be king of one shit hole. The name of this shit hole is called, Henbun Elementary. The English translation of Henbun Elementary would be very stupid elementary.  The students rock incredibly high scores on tests. You would  have to be dumb to live there without a wife unless you like talking to yourself.

The King of Hen Bun

At six years old, the Taiwanese Jose Canseco (English name), luckily enough had a bitter and disgruntled English teacher, but still with a sense of humor left. 

The students called his teacher Mr. Jugs.

Mr, Jugs had less money than  a Thai midget boxer trying to make it in the UFC. 

This guys shares a bank account balance with Mr. Jugs

Like we said, Mr. Jugs was not left without his sense of humor after his ex-wife ditched him for Mrs. Muscles. He thought with so many stupid names for girls like Apple, Pomelo, and any other cute fruit that you can think of, I’m going to give this behemoth of a student a Spanish name.

Mr. Jugs going over the class roster

Some parents wake up at 4 a.m. looking for something to worry about. Parents in Henbun don't have to worry that their children will not get an epic English name as long as Mr. Jugs is in charge. Little Taiwan Jose Canseco was not yet a parent in 2012. 

Little Wing Wong Sun (Chinese name of Little Taiwan Jose Canseco),  looked like he had been outside doing pull-ups since 4 a.m. 

His first day at Very Stupid or Henbun Elementary School left him with the immediate pre-chosen English name of Jose Canseco. 

The only difference with Jose Canseco, the Taiwanese Aboriginal kid, and the former MLB player & steroid addict, was that his drug of choice was Betel Nut (Taiwanese Chewing Tobacco). Trust me, Little Taiwan Jose Canseco did not need to be injected with steroids. He could have hoisted a bamboo house over his shoulders on the 15 km scooter trip to school every morning.

Jose Canseco feels alone sometimes in 5th grade

Gay Richard, as he should be called, and little Jose Canseco, headed out to the mountains on Jose Canseco’s aunt’s scooter,  Aunt Sing Sing Ting Ting Wing Wong warned them to be home by August. The date was May 30th. 

The black roads and faded white lines along HWY 9 only surprised once, with a drunk guy sleeping on the side of the road. 

Do you believe the validity of Gay Richard's nickname? 

Seriously, Gay Richard set the Very Stupid Elementary or Henbun Elementary School record last month for most attempted penis flicks in one week, 152. 

Gay Richard shattered One Tooth Jimbo’s previous record of 37 penis flicks in one week.

Big congrats to Gay Richard

  

The thought of an accidental penis brush-up for Gay Richard against Little Jose Canseco’s ass cheeks on the way out to the hot spring on Aunt Sing Sing Ting Tong Wing Wong's scooter elated Gay Richard.  

Gay Richard, who is completely straight threw on his tightest spandex for the trip  

After the drunk guy on HWY 9 scared the shit out of the dynamic duo, the police stopped Little Taiwan Jose Canseco on the way out to the hot springs. 

Jose Canseco just told the police he only speaks Spanish. So, there were no problems with this twelve year-old driving a scooter, where the driving age is eighteen. 

Luckily for Little Taiwan Jose Canseco, Mr. Jugs taught him if he ever gets pulled over by the police that he can just say that he only speaks Spanish. Who knew throwing out an Hola would save the day?

After three hours of soaking in the hot spring, Jose Canseco had already thrown back a six pack of Taiwan Beer. He also forgot his Betel Nut. He could barely take Gay Richard’s constant bear hugs anymore. He also was sick and tired of getting asked how big his dong is. 

So, the two knuckle heads wondered back to Taimali, not to be confused with too many tamales.  Tai , in Chinese, means too many.

For real pictures, and non bullshit stories- you can go here:

http://followxiaofei.com/taiwan/taitung-hotsprings-jinfeng-hotspring

This was an episode of complete bullshit. I hope you enjoyed.